Posts Tagged ‘mother’

• Every time I decide to be done with him – every.single.time. – he says and does all the right things, and keeps me hanging on just a little bit longer…

I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart….Tomorrow might be hell, But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all… And I can’t help myself… So I’ll just hold on…I’ll just hold on… Until your gone

• I don’t understand how one of the best friendships I have ever had has suddenly taken a very wrong turn. I don’t know how it happened, and I can’t digest the ugly things being said and the accusations that are being slung in my direction. The whole thing really hurts my feelings.
• I (obviously) do not deal well with things ending – I don’t like the idea of losing people from my life. I don’t let go well. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to know… because I don’t want to let go.
• I love my new found freedom… the freedom of having my own place, and being 100% in control of my whole life… I just hate, and I mean really, really hate, doing it all alone.
• I wish I didn’t trust people so easily. Seriously. They always let me down. Maybe I am just a bad judge of character? Maybe I choose the wrong people to have in my life? I don’t know…. obviously they are the wrong people if I can’t trust them, eh? Blech.
• I wrecked a 4 wheeler last week, and spent Sunday in the ER. Just me & N. It was scary. X-rays, CT Scans, and found out I have a fractured rib and sprained wrist. Dr thought it was my spleen, only when the mention of surgery come up was I able to talk my dear family into coming to get N from the ER “just in case”…. in which case, I found myself alone, and scared, and weak to the point of tears. A friend of mine works at the hospital, and she checked on me several times. Thank God for her.
• I have been so emotional lately. I can cry anytime, for anything.. I constantly feel pressure/weight in my chest… everything feels so heavy to me. All I want to do is cry.
• I am concerned and confused as to why I always seem to feel like I am waiting for my life to start… I am 34, and when I realize that that’s what I’m doing, it scares me and makes me so sad. I don’t want to live my life waiting for it to start, but this life I have isn’t the one I wanted…

Sorry for the randomness. I’m feeling very scattered tonight. Very unorganized. A total hot mess. And the random insertion of lyrics – it’s always one of the three with me – a photo, a quote, or a song lyric. Those are the things that give me my voice…

Today’s conversation with N….

Me: I love you, baby.

N: I love you to mom. And listen, you can call me baby now but when I’m all grown up, can you not call me baby anymore? Because I won’t be one…

Me: *hmph* Well… I don’t care how old you are, or how grown up you are, you’ll always be my baby…

N: Ok look mom, just don’t embarass me with all that baby stuff. That’s all I’m tryin’ to say, alright?

Me: Okay. So can I call you sugar-booger instead?

N: Mom! I said do not embarrass me. You can’t say things like that in front of my friends at school. Do you understand?

Me: … but… but… you are my baby… and my sugar-booger…..

N: Okay mom, how about if you just call me those thing when it’s just me and you. If I let you do that, will you promise not to embarrass me when I’m a teenager in high school?

Me: *snicker* Why, certainly!

If I am going to post everyday, I have to have some sort of structure. From now on, I will have Thankful Thursdays, and Flickr Fridays. Let’s just see how that works out…

This Thursday is no different than any other day in my life – I’m thankful that I am N’s mom. So, so very thankful that it was me who was picked to be HIS mom. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love every single solitary second I get to spend with him.

This week has been absolute turmoil in my life.  My job has come crashing down on me with a force that is trying to knock me to my knees, but the real truth is it has been a blessing in disguise. I have missed most of my boy’s soccer games this season, so everything that has happened this week, I see now has been with much reason. This week has been full of his soccer tournament games… and I have missed so much, just in this short season. Maybe it just feels like a lot to me, because until I started this job, I missed NOTHING. Not a single moment of his life did I miss. Then, I had no choice, and it hurt.. gosh, it hurt so bad to not be there for everything. I realize it’s not always possible, but it was killing me inside.

However, this week I have been granted the week off (read that how you want, lol)… and do I care? No, not in the least. It hasn’t crossed my mind, or bothered me in the least… because you see, I have been at every game this week, and have been on the sidelines screaming and cheering (in typical Heather fashion) my boy on, and tonight they secured their spot in 2nd place. I am so proud of him, he is doing SO well and he loves it SO much – AND I GOT TO SEE IT ALL!! I’m very, very happy… and extremely thankful that the random events that led up to me being able to see my boys games this week happened, no matter what the consequence.

So, why am I taking this trip down memory lane with the pictures? I’m not sure. I love the kid he has become, but I can’t help but miss the baby that he was.. and also, be very thankful that I was granted the opportunity to stay home with him and never miss a moment. That is a blessing in and of itself. Nothing measures up to that.

One Hundred Years from now
It will not matter
what kind of car I drove,
What kind of house I lived in,
how much money was in my bank account
nor what my clothes looked like.
But the world may be a better place because
I was important in the life of a child.

I’m back, and I’m here to stay. I have a lot of things to say, some funny, some serious, and some off the wall shit that you can love or hate, I don’t care. I’m not writing to please anyone, or holding back to keep from offending anyone – I’m here to be me and speak my mind. If you don’t like it, don’t read it! But you don’t know what you’ll be missing, hahahaha….

No really, I’m not trying to sound catty. I’m just tired of laying in bed at night with all of these thoughts running through my mind. Sometimes they are so funny that I make myself laugh, sometimes they are so random yet so poignant that I’m astounded that this is going on inside MY head.

I need an outlet, and this is it. Be it what it is!! I’ve already got some good stories lined up, and mostly written in my mind, i just have to find time to sit here and tap them all out… lol

Looking forward to this!!

later,

H.