Posts Tagged ‘love’

This is me. Heather. Last week this photo was taken. Nothing special, I know. However, I also know that I’m not grossly disfigured, morbidly obese, or impossible to deal with. All in all, I think I’m a pretty decent person. I get alone with everyone. I’d do anything for my friends. When I love, I love with everything I am. I’m fun and witty, and… terribly co-dependent, depressed, and just flat out sad. Deep down inside, I’m sad.

All I have ever wanted in life is happiness. To love and be loved is, to me, happiness. But for me, it’s equivelant to “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”… that’s how it works out for me. Why? I don’t understand. I really don’t. I have worked hard to maintain friendships, remain loyal, uphold my family name, and be an all around decent person. And for what? Where is it getting me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere.

Everyday gets worse and worse. They say it gets worse before it gets better – well goddamn it, I’m ready for better. When does better get here? How long does “worse” hang around? I’m so fucking over it.

“Just being me” is never good enough. Not even for the LOSERS I’m attracted to. It’s disgusting. I’ve GOT to get my head on straight and figure out a way to live happy without needing or wanting someone else to help make it happen. I fucking hate “just me” right now. I hate the way I feel, because of the situatious and relationships I get MYSELF into. I’m done blaming anyone else. It’s me. Just me.

I believe love is….

• caring about what is best for someone, wanting what makes that person happy, without expecting anything in return.
• knowing the risk, and taking it.
• knowing that taking the risk could destroy you and shatter your heart in a million pieces, and taking it anyway.
• letting go of someone, knowing it will devastate your world.
• watching someone pursue what they want in life, what makes them happy, and genuinely wanting them to have that.
• not ever wanting to see that person hurt, no matter the cost to your own heart.
• smiling when you see the one you love, even if your heart is breaking.

…. in my world, anyway….

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley

Seriously. What in the piss is wrong with me?

I have never in my 34 years known someone that I just.can’t.say.no.to.

I can’t say no to him.

Why?

I already know, I fell for him. I feel it everytime I hear his voice, and everytime I see his face. But I have dealt with it and I am trying with all my might to move forward.

It doesn’t take much. A phone call. And I’m gone – hook, line and sinker.

He says “I want to see you”. And I fall all over again. Everytime.

I don’t want it to be that way, but I think the truth is – I really just want to be with him. We get along so well – we always did. We have fun together, we laugh a lot, and there’s a lot of passion there. It’s on fire, even still. I don’t mean that… I mean, the oomph that most relationships are missing. It’s there, and it’s sizzlin.

Oh God. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Or am I trying to make an excuse for the fact that he just left my house? Son of a bitch!

I’m weak. I’m a weak, pathetic girl with stars in her eyes over some silly boy. Seriously. That’s not someone I ever thought I’d be.

Sorry for the double post, but HE JUST CALLED! Dennis.just.called.

Dennis and Me – 1993 – My Senior Prom

Two weeks, and I have been aching to hear his voice… oh, I’m so SO so happy right now I have tears rolling down my face. I almost didn’t answer the call, it was a strange number – but everytime I get a strange number in the last two weeks, I think “It could be him…” and it never is. Boy, am I glad I answered this call. I would have been so mad at myself if I had heard his voice on my voicemail!

When I answered he says, in his calm, casual way “Hey, what are you doin?” and I slapped my hand over my face (like I haven’t talked to him in ten years) and felt like someone knocked the wind out of me and in a barely audible voice said “Who is this?”

Me and Dennis – July, 2006 – @ a Friend’s Birthday Luau

He knows me so well. I miss that so much about him. He laughed at me and said “C’mon Heather, who do you THINK it is?” and that’s the point where I started blabbering like a fool about how much I’ve missed him and how GOOD it was to hear his voice. He continued to laugh at me a little, but he threw in just enough (“I miss you, too” and “What, did you think I wouldn’t call?”) little things like that, things that make him HIM to make me smile more than I have in the last two weeks. And cry just as much, too.

Dennis & Me – November 2008, a month ago – LSU/BAMA Game

He gets to have visitors next weekend, and could be home by Christmas. Oh, how I can’t wait to SEE him!!

There isn’t a man in this town that stands a chance with me after that phone call. Poor men. They have no clue my heart is taken.

My cup runneth over.

All I Want For Christmas