Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

I can’t seem to get it together. Why? What is wrong with me? Maybe I need medication. I definitely need medication. I am so completely miserable with my life right now it’s just ridiculous. I hate it. Everything about it. I hate that I trust people so easily who don’t think twice about telling my business. The one person in the whole world that I feel like I can trust right now is that stupid boy that’s had my head so F’d up the last 6 months…. but the bottom line is, he listens to me… and he doesn’t repeat what I say (or cry) about to anyone. Which only makes me love him more. And I can’t have him. And it’s killing me…

You see that chicken? That’s me. Held down. Can’t move forward. About to drown.

I hate hearing how great and wonderful and beautiful I am from someone I’d give my right arm to be with, only to have him be with someone else. That really fucks with my mind. I should move on,but I don’t know how? I fell for him. And I’m stubborn – I want what I want, and I have closed myself off to anyone else that might be interested. I don’t know how to get past this. And I think I would really like to… because I really would like a little happiness in my life….

And I’m afraid my job is in jeapordy. Which it probably is. And I don’t know what to do about that. I do everything I can to stay on top of things, but personal issues always come into play and as neutral as I TRY to stay, some bullshit always comes up. I’m not perfect, I know this… neither is anyone else that works there. But it’s easy to roast me since I’m “in charge”. And how the hell am I supposed to manage  other people when I obviously can’t even manage myself?

I suck at life.

And I’m SO over it…

I am sick of crying. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while yes, I have some friends who are great and I know will last a lifetime, and would be there for me in a second if I called them… when it comes down to the ins and outs of my life, the day to day issues and drama… I don’t really have any friends. Except maybe him. And he breaks my heart every.single.day…. so how do I manage that?

And to those friends that will read this and think “Omg why won’t she just call me? or answer my calls? so I can be there for her?” – I don’t really have an answer other than the simple fact that your life is SO different from mine right now, I wouldn’t even know where to begin…. please don’t take it personal.

And thank you.

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I just came across this pictures of these boys*. It’s from May 2007 at a local Bull Riding / Barrel Racing event. I love finding pictures that reflect on their friendship over the years, and I know someday they will love that I have so many of them when they were kids. I have friends today that I have had since I was N’s age, and it’s an amazing thing to remain friends that long. I wish that for my son. That, and many new, wonderful friends along the way. Somehow though, the comfort of someone who has known you since childhood is something that is irreplaceable. It’s a comfort, and a treasure.

I adore this picture of them. Even though you can’t see their faces, you can see the bigger picture – the bond of friendship (and two little boys who at that moment, wanted to grow up and be bull riders).  I can’t tell you enough how much I love watching my son form these friendship bonds.

*Just in case you happen to not recognize them from my previous posts, it’s N and his friend.