Posts Tagged ‘friends’

♥ I’m discovering daily, that there ARE some people who are worth it. There are some good people left, and I’m lucky enough to call them my friends. People that will be there for me in my hours of darkness, and that will be there to help me create memories with and for N. I’m learning to appreciate those people, and stop considering everyone a “friend”. These folks, the ones that help me get through life everyday, they are my life force.

♥ My son got in the car on Wednesday when I picked him up from aftercare, and began to sing a song that sounded vaguely familiar, but then… the lyrics changed… he sang “The sun’s going down… and I’m smokin’ a fatty” – I was at a complete loss for words. I sorted it out – he was singing to the tune of Kenny Chesney’s “When the sun goes down” but I think he got his lyrics confused with the Zac Brown Band “Toes” song, the part where they say “gonna lay in the hot sun and roll a big fat one…” Yeah. What do you do with THAT?

♥ We had an unplanned “redneck night” at my house this week. Probably my dearest and closest friend in the world right now came over, and proceeded to carve N’s pumpkin with a chainsaw. He carved an N in it, and in the process slung pumpkin guts all over my car. Then they gutted it, and we stuck  a candle in it. Then he threw rocks in the trees to scare the squirrels so N could shoot them with his BB gun. Then we (yes, we… ) shot beer cans (for hours) with the BB gun. Then, they set antbeds on fire with starter fluid. Simple, but fun. And another memory.

♥ I have been dodging my landlord all week, because I am short on my rent. It’s not easy, they live next door! So glad that today is payday.

♥ My car needs work, again. I can’t afford it, but it has to be done. I’m sick of this car, but it’s paid for… aside from the fact that everytime I seem to catch up, it costs me an arm and a leg to have something else done to it.

♥ I hit rock bottom this week. Spent 2 days in the bed. I still can pinpoint exactly why, other than I just couldn’t take one.single.more.thing. Only one person checked on me regularly. Which, in retrospect, is partly the reason I think I broke down. I know that probably doesn’t make sense to you, but to me, it’s perfectly clear now. Something surfaced inside of me, and I didn’t know what to do with it (and I still don’t), but it had/has a lot to do with that person. Enough of that.

♥ I can’t keep a clean house. This week, I’m struggling with accepting that and moving on, or continuing to fight that blatant truth. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not disgusting, or dirty, and it doesn’t stink. It’s just MESSY. I blame a lot of it on “we don’t have room…” but, that’s not the whole truth. I’ve always been like this. I just don’t throw things away. Like my aunt, and mother, and grandmother…. maybe it’s hereditary? I tried implementing Flylady.net into my life several times, but it drives me crazy. To fight the battle, or not? I’m not sure yet.

♥ I have, however, managed to catch up and stay caught up on laundry since fixing my dryer problem. That, I’m proud of! Although I discovered, much to my dismay, that now that all of my clothes are clean, they are inexplicably tight. This does not sit well with me. I’m already FAT, I won’t go up one.more.size. Ever.

♥ Halloween night, N was with his dad. I was out with friends and acquaintances and there was a costume contest. Later on, a fight broke out. Someone had a gun. That someone walked past my friend and I on the porch and said, I kid you not, “If you have any friends inside that want to live, tell them to leave.” I nearly shit my pants. Who does that? This is a small town, very small. No idea who he was. Wish he never found us. The police were there, my friend and I immediately told them what he said and his ass got carted off to jail. That was right before my 2 day breakdown. I think it kind of freaked me out more than I even realized at that moment.

♥ In Wal-mart a few days ago, N had to use the restroom. He has been complaining for years now that he is tired of going into the women’s room with me, and WHY, dear God, why won’t I just let him go in the men’s restroom alone? I mean, he’s NOT a baby. (his words, not mine) Well, this said day, he had to go… and I mean, he had to go bad. He zoomed past me and took off into the men’s room before I knew it happened. Then it hit me – full panic. My 7 year old was in the men’s room. Alone. Without his over-protective mother. With god-knows-who. Thank the Good Lord he was quick about it, because I could feel a panic attack coming on. Especially when others came out, or went in – I wanted, wholeheartedly to throw my arm out in front of them and tell them to STOP, don’t go in, my child is in there!

**Okay, this is my first ever Friday Fragments post – and I think I love it. Thanks to Half Past Kissin Time for coming up with it! ♥

I can’t seem to get it together. Why? What is wrong with me? Maybe I need medication. I definitely need medication. I am so completely miserable with my life right now it’s just ridiculous. I hate it. Everything about it. I hate that I trust people so easily who don’t think twice about telling my business. The one person in the whole world that I feel like I can trust right now is that stupid boy that’s had my head so F’d up the last 6 months…. but the bottom line is, he listens to me… and he doesn’t repeat what I say (or cry) about to anyone. Which only makes me love him more. And I can’t have him. And it’s killing me…

You see that chicken? That’s me. Held down. Can’t move forward. About to drown.

I hate hearing how great and wonderful and beautiful I am from someone I’d give my right arm to be with, only to have him be with someone else. That really fucks with my mind. I should move on,but I don’t know how? I fell for him. And I’m stubborn – I want what I want, and I have closed myself off to anyone else that might be interested. I don’t know how to get past this. And I think I would really like to… because I really would like a little happiness in my life….

And I’m afraid my job is in jeapordy. Which it probably is. And I don’t know what to do about that. I do everything I can to stay on top of things, but personal issues always come into play and as neutral as I TRY to stay, some bullshit always comes up. I’m not perfect, I know this… neither is anyone else that works there. But it’s easy to roast me since I’m “in charge”. And how the hell am I supposed to manage  other people when I obviously can’t even manage myself?

I suck at life.

And I’m SO over it…

I am sick of crying. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while yes, I have some friends who are great and I know will last a lifetime, and would be there for me in a second if I called them… when it comes down to the ins and outs of my life, the day to day issues and drama… I don’t really have any friends. Except maybe him. And he breaks my heart every.single.day…. so how do I manage that?

And to those friends that will read this and think “Omg why won’t she just call me? or answer my calls? so I can be there for her?” – I don’t really have an answer other than the simple fact that your life is SO different from mine right now, I wouldn’t even know where to begin…. please don’t take it personal.

And thank you.

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I just came across this pictures of these boys*. It’s from May 2007 at a local Bull Riding / Barrel Racing event. I love finding pictures that reflect on their friendship over the years, and I know someday they will love that I have so many of them when they were kids. I have friends today that I have had since I was N’s age, and it’s an amazing thing to remain friends that long. I wish that for my son. That, and many new, wonderful friends along the way. Somehow though, the comfort of someone who has known you since childhood is something that is irreplaceable. It’s a comfort, and a treasure.

I adore this picture of them. Even though you can’t see their faces, you can see the bigger picture – the bond of friendship (and two little boys who at that moment, wanted to grow up and be bull riders).  I can’t tell you enough how much I love watching my son form these friendship bonds.

*Just in case you happen to not recognize them from my previous posts, it’s N and his friend.

It doesn’t appear that I can work and blog at the same time. The hours are really not bad, I don’t have a problem working them or staying awake however… the time in between shifts, I could just DIE I am so tired.

Yesterday morning, after a long night of… well, we’ll call it work… on the drive home, I suddenly found myself with a craving for sushi. 6am, and I wanted sushi. I could actually taste it, I wanted it so bad. Then, my overtired brain had to try to analyze the situation and in the boredom of driving home and over analyzing my thoughts and cravings, I realized something. It wasn’t so much the sushi that I wanted (although I still do want some), it was my first experience with sushi that I wanted BACK.

The setting: Yamashiro. April on the east end of Hollywood Hills. The most gorgeous view of Los Angeles imaginable. One of my best friends in the world. Sushi. Cold Beer. A hot waiter. Cold Sake. Big city atmosphere. A designated driver. No curfews, no commitments. All the time in the world.

I love and treasure the feelings evoked by these photographs, simply of our meal that evening.  We had such a wonderful time just taking in the view, and hanging out. Not a worry or a care in the world, other than how on Earth we were going to finish off that bottle of Sake…

We finished it. You can bet your bottom dollar, we finished it. We had nothing better to do anyway, and the waiter oddly looked better and better the emptier that little potion bottle got… however, we decided somewhere along the way that we were probably the wrong gender for him.

Too bad we didn’t get a picture of him. I’m sure it would have been better than a drunk, fuzzy self portrait of us on which the scenery we wanted to capture was completely lost.