Posts Tagged ‘family’

As of two weeks ago today, August 12th, I’m finally a proud Aunt (aka: Mimi)!  My sister had my very first nephew, and wow – the love is immediately overwhelming! I can finally relate to how my sisters love my son, and it’s amazing.

Sweet Baby E was born at 12:26am weighing in at 6.5 lbs and 19″ long – and oh, how I adore him!

And as much as I love him, N does too… his very first 1st cousin… he’s so proud!

This Saturday, we are doing his Newborn photo shoot… I’m so excited!! He is such a sweet little angel, even if he does pee on me every time I hold him. It’s cool, Mimi & N love you to pieces, baby E!!

On June 4th of this year, 2010, something profound happened.  I felt old. I felt old, and out of the loop. Why, you may ask yourself, why would this woman of only 35 29 feel old and out of the loop? I’ll tell you why. It’s because my sister, who is 10 years my junior, who is my BABY sister, got MARRIED. Married!! Can you believe it? I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I remember when she was born. I remember how I made her a pillow when she was born, she carried it around in the same hand she sucked her thumb on until she was about 8 (nah, just kidding, I think she was about 3). And you know what? She still has that godforsaken, drool infested, stained and torn and patched up pillow…. because her sister (that’d be me, in case you got lost) made it for her.

I remember when she started having seizures. I don’t remember how long it was before the doctors figured out it was seizures she was having, but it seemed like years that she was poked, and prodded, and had tests run, and couldn’t go on school field trips, or be left unsupervised,  until she finally had one in front of a nurse and they recognized it immediately as a seizure. I remember, she was 11 years old when she chose to wean herself off of the medication, and has never had a seizure since.

I remember she had beautifully thick hair (she still does, our whole family has some seriously thick hair) and she (translation: my mother) cut it all off, in about 1st grade. Some kids made fun of her at school one day, and she came home crying, they said her hair looked like a rat’s nest. I was so angry, so completely infuriated that my first instinct was to haul my cookies up to the school and snatch up a few 6 year olds and scare the everloving shit out of them for making my sister cry! Instead though, I got up early for school, every morning (which was a HUGE feat for me) to make sure her hair was brushed and fixed. I don’t think they made fun anymore. At least if they did, she never told me.

She also never got a spanking. Ever. My other sister and I – that’s a whole different story. But when it came to our baby sister, we just wouldn’t stand for it. No matter what it was, or how often we complained that she never got in trouble, she never got a spanking, she never got anything taken away… when it came right down to it, we had her back. If we had to, we’d take the blame for whatever it was. She was always safe. I guess I should mention here, that she also didn’t speak for the first few years of her life…. she didn’t have to. Her sisters always knew what she wanted, and we’d just get it for her. Our grandma used to get so upset with us and tell us “Make her ask for it. She’s never going to learn to speak!” But we were in the state of mind, where we thought “But why? She already grunted, and I know what it means, so I’ll just get/do it”. For years, round and round over everyone wanting her to speak, and us just wanting to give her what she wanted….. There have been times when I have felt that she gets a lot of things handed to her, things I’ve had to work for, but… I’ve never been jealous of that. Because she does work, hard… for her family, and for God.

My baby sister has traveled the world doing missionary work. She’s been to so many places, I can’t even remember them all but the list includes Haiti, Mongolia, oh… and lots more, that I really can’t remember. She has such a good & big heart, and always sees the best in people. Don’t get me wrong – she drives me up the wall sometimes, and we have our spats, but we get over them quite quickly and carry on. It’s a sister thing.

I’m so proud of her. Really,I am. You’d think just having gone through a divorce, I’d not be too keen on marriage, but I’ll tell you a little secret: I’m a hopeless romantic. And my sister, she found one of the good ones. I couldn’t imagine her with anyone else, they are so perfect together. He simply adores her. He’s nice, he’s funny, he fits in so incredibly well with our family. And, he loves my son. I think, they might be best friends… on some level. They hunt all the time in the backyard of my moms house with their BB guns. It’s sweet to see… he’s probably the most prominent male role in my son’s life right now, and for that, I’m forever grateful.

So, yeah… I now have a brother-in-law. And I couldn’t be happier about it! They have a lot they want to do and get in order before they start having children, but I’m ready for some babies!!!! Twins run on both sides of the family, so…. you know what I’ll be wishing for!

In other news, N is in summer camp right now, and he’s enjoying the hell out of it! It ends July 8, then he will be spending a few weeks with his dad…. which I will not enjoy, at all. It makes me want to come out of my skin. I’m not used to not being around my boy, and everytime he is gone I feel like I have no direction or purpose in life. I know, wah wah wah…. it’s just a fact, Jack.

Aside from that, because I’m not going to get all sappy on this Terrifically Terrible Tuesday… I got a new tattoo last night!! My 6th one. I’m movin on up like George & Weezy – haha. For the record, if you can’t see the obvious, I happen to adore tattoos. Yes, I will get more. Yes, I know they last forever. Yes, I’m okay with that.  Anyone who isn’t, I’d suggest they don’t get any tattoos… This is not a very good picture, it was awkward to try to take it because it’s right on the side of and under the outside of my left ankle… and I took the pic about 30 minutes after it was done. But, I love it. It has significant meaning to me, which I won’t go into either, because it involves dead babies, and who wants to talk about THAT on a Tuesday? Not me.

Oh, and P.S. – my feet are not dirty folks, that’s the ink. I promise! I know I’m from the dirty south, but I do have clean feet…. from time to time… but especially when getting one of them tattooed. Trust me. Ok? It’s Ink!

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My life, it’s not a bad life. I have not had to endure but a few tragic incidents, not a lifetime of tragedy, or poverty, or abuse. Overall, it’s an average life – I’d even give it a C+. So then why do I, so often, find myself so overwhelmed, unsatisfied and depressed over my life? I’m trying, everyday, to sort this out in my head… and I wonder if it’s my abundantly obvious codependency issue that has me feeling like my life is less than good. Why do I feel like I need someone with me? I wonder, does everyone feel that way? Does anyone ever choose or want to take this journey through life alone? Without that special someone by their side to share the goodness of life with? Is it just me?

I don’t think it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I am just completely ridiculous. I mean, my divorce has almost been final for 1 year – I’ve still got time to find someone. It’s still early in the game, right? Why do I feel so rushed? Maybe it’s because I have always dreamed of having more children, and my 35th birthday is approaching in April. Maybe I should not worry about finding someone, or having another child, and enjoy the wonderful, talented, spectacular little boy that God has already given me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him, you see, it’s just that I still feel that something is missing. I don’t like feeling that. I don’t feel complete. I want to be complete. I want to wrap up everything & everyone that makes me happy under one roof, and get on with enjoying life together, making forever happy memories together.

Ah, me. I drive me crazy sometimes. Seriously.

It’s a new year, a new beginning, and I am making some changes. Change makes me nervous, to be quite honest. As of right now, I’m a bundle of nerves. Last year, N and I were able to finally move out of my mom’s house after my divorce was final, and into our very own apartment. The drawback – it is a small, one bedroom apartment, and the rent is a little on the high side for a place so small. But, we have loved it dearly. We have, together, found our independence and carved out our own little place in the world where we can just be us, mother & son. Now, I feel it’s time to move on…. we have outgrown our little apartment. N will be 8 in March, and while I have enjoyed every minute that he has spent snuggled up next to me in bed every night, I know it’s time for him to spread his wings and enjoy the comfort and freedom of having a room of his own – a space that’s all his. Don’t we all want that? I suppose I do, too.

We are planning to move February 1st. Rent is ridiculous right now around here, so we are going to have a roommate. I know her quite well, she gets along well with N, and she has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom sitting empty. It’s in the same town, maybe a mile or two from where we are now. Much more affordable. So, why does it make me so nervous? Maybe it’s the transition of going from being completely free and independent, to having a roommate. I’m not sure. But, at the same time I do look forward to what it will give back to N and to myself. We will both finally have our own space in the world to retreat to, a place to shut the door and spend some quiet time alone. I definitely need that.

Things could be so much worse. I hope that this year, I learn to live for today and be thankful for what I am surrounded by – I want to live in the moment, and be happy with where I am in my life. That’s my only resolution – to try to learn how to live in the moment, and be happy with it. Whatever it may be…

• Every time I decide to be done with him – every.single.time. – he says and does all the right things, and keeps me hanging on just a little bit longer…

I’m falling for you even though I know your only playing with my heart….Tomorrow might be hell, But a night or two of loving you is better than never at all… And I can’t help myself… So I’ll just hold on…I’ll just hold on… Until your gone

• I don’t understand how one of the best friendships I have ever had has suddenly taken a very wrong turn. I don’t know how it happened, and I can’t digest the ugly things being said and the accusations that are being slung in my direction. The whole thing really hurts my feelings.
• I (obviously) do not deal well with things ending – I don’t like the idea of losing people from my life. I don’t let go well. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to know… because I don’t want to let go.
• I love my new found freedom… the freedom of having my own place, and being 100% in control of my whole life… I just hate, and I mean really, really hate, doing it all alone.
• I wish I didn’t trust people so easily. Seriously. They always let me down. Maybe I am just a bad judge of character? Maybe I choose the wrong people to have in my life? I don’t know…. obviously they are the wrong people if I can’t trust them, eh? Blech.
• I wrecked a 4 wheeler last week, and spent Sunday in the ER. Just me & N. It was scary. X-rays, CT Scans, and found out I have a fractured rib and sprained wrist. Dr thought it was my spleen, only when the mention of surgery come up was I able to talk my dear family into coming to get N from the ER “just in case”…. in which case, I found myself alone, and scared, and weak to the point of tears. A friend of mine works at the hospital, and she checked on me several times. Thank God for her.
• I have been so emotional lately. I can cry anytime, for anything.. I constantly feel pressure/weight in my chest… everything feels so heavy to me. All I want to do is cry.
• I am concerned and confused as to why I always seem to feel like I am waiting for my life to start… I am 34, and when I realize that that’s what I’m doing, it scares me and makes me so sad. I don’t want to live my life waiting for it to start, but this life I have isn’t the one I wanted…

Sorry for the randomness. I’m feeling very scattered tonight. Very unorganized. A total hot mess. And the random insertion of lyrics – it’s always one of the three with me – a photo, a quote, or a song lyric. Those are the things that give me my voice…