Posts Tagged ‘Falling in love’

I believe love is….

• caring about what is best for someone, wanting what makes that person happy, without expecting anything in return.
• knowing the risk, and taking it.
• knowing that taking the risk could destroy you and shatter your heart in a million pieces, and taking it anyway.
• letting go of someone, knowing it will devastate your world.
• watching someone pursue what they want in life, what makes them happy, and genuinely wanting them to have that.
• not ever wanting to see that person hurt, no matter the cost to your own heart.
• smiling when you see the one you love, even if your heart is breaking.

…. in my world, anyway….

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley

I’m itching to redesign this site in a bad, bad way now… I’ve gone as far as to narrow my design choices down to 3 kits, all of which I already purchased. It’s not so much that I can’t decide which one to use, because the truth is that I like bits and pieces from each… it’s more so that I can’t quite figure out how I want the layout. So, I’ve been searching for inspiration and every time I think I find something that inspires me, I find something else completely opposite that inspires me just the same. Sometimes it’s sucks being so indecisive! Anyhow, here are the kits I have selected to use…

I don’t particularly have a favorite. I like that they all have black, though. I’m not sure what direction I will go with the design, I guess I will just see when I open all the files and start mixing it all up

I think I’m going to hit the town tomorrow night. I’m tired of being home and depressed. A couple people called tonight to see if I would come out, but I declined. One night, that’s it. I will not be a barfly. Not this week, anyway.

When we were at the church to see Santa this week, there was this couple in line ahead of us.. He placed his hand on the small of her back, and very gently, very subtly he nudged her in his direction. She instinctively followed his lead and moved in closer to him, and he very sweetly leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. It made something inside of me ache, and honestly, it made me want to cry.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting with my soon-to-be ex-husband at the mediator’s office to finish hashing out our divorce agreement so that we can get it signed, and filed. Then when January rolls around, there won’t be anything stopping the divorce from being finalized. It’s bittersweet.

My background music today,  Lisa Loeb – Falling In Love.

This Thankful Thursday, I’m thankful that my divorce is almost here, and almost over with. A year is a long time to wait. Especially when you have been ready to move on for SO long. I’m ready to see what life has to offer me after my divorce. Anxious, even. Excited, maybe. Definitely ready.

Mr. Perfect is not so perfect. Suddenly. Are you surprised? I’m not. Not really. Disappointed, yes. But it was a slow revelation to me that his motives were (and still are) completely off base. I fell for the words that came out of his mouth, but thankfully, I did not fall for him. It’s hurtful to think he may not have meant the things he said, so I’ll just pretend that he DID mean them, and is just completely incapable of showing that he meant them – ha. How’s that for a skewed reality?

Anyway, I’ve chosen not to pursue anything with this fella. In the short month that I have been hanging out with him, I’ve been and done everything. I’ve carried him, and I just can’t do that. Yeah, I know, I’m a sucker. I should have SUCKER tattooed across my forehead. I just wanted to believe I guess. I don’t think he’s a bad person. I think he is in a bad place in his life right now, as am I, and it’s just not going to go anywhere and I have this gut feeling that it would just end really badly. I’d rather keep him as a friend, albiet a distant one, than end up hating his guts for something that never could have been. If that even makes sense.

I’m done with this. I’m not looking for a relationship, or even for companionship. Not right now. I’m obviously not emotionally stable enough to be involved with anyone. So, back to focusing on the things that really matter… my son, school, work, and getting our own place.

You know what though? I have a fear, an underlying fear that is on the verge of being a full blown panic, that I will always be alone. Sometimes, it grips me, and I cling onto any type of hope that might rear it’s head. I think that’s what happened here.

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My life has been flipped upside down, and I don’t even know where to begin. For the first time in a long time, I’ve found myself smitten with life in general. Little things don’t matter so much, and I’ve realized that being happy is a real possibility for me. It doesn’t always have to be misery and pain. I hate to pin my happiness to any one person, but the truth is, someone has come along and not only made me happy, but has shown me how to be happy. Wow. It’s crazy. The timing.. it couldn’t have been more perfect.

There are so many things that I don’t see in myself that he points out to me so often… the things he sees in me – wow!! It amazes me. It amazes me even more that he tells me these things, and absolutely with every intention of making sure I know he is sincere. What is THAT called? I don’t even KNOW!

Naturally, I sit around and over think things. I over analyze, nitpick, and could kick myself for it. He’s great. He’s handsome. He’s happy. He’s genuine. And he’s crazy about ME. And how do I know this? Because I DO. For once in my life, that is the ONE thing I don’t doubt – he IS crazy about me. Our relationship has not bypassed conversation and an occasional hug or hand holding – nothing else. He doesn’t try, I don’t push. Maybe we both need this to be right? I’m not sure. Maybe we’re both chickenshit? Maybe it’s because my divorce won’t be final until January? I don’t know. I think I’d wait though. If I have to, I would. I’m pretty sure. It’s just all so new, and my mind is BLOWN away by it all.

Let’s get this straight though… I have known this guy for well over 10 years. When I moved away in 1998, he actually wrote me a couple of letters. Then we lost touch. Almost 2 weeks ago, I ran into him… we talked for hours, and have been nearly inseparable ever since. I never saw him the way I see him now. And I have had this retarded grin on my face that I can’t seem to get rid of. Nor do I want to get rid of it. It’s pretty amazing, this feeling.

So, I think I’m just going to STOP thinking about it all. I have been saying for awhile now that I want to find someone for me, for now. This doesn’t have to erupt into a lifetime affair (ugh, bad choice of words), it can just be good for me, and for him, for now… or for however long it lasts. I think taking what life has to offer me right now is a good idea, as long as I keep my head on straight. He makes me happy, and I just want to enjoy this.

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