Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’

My life, it’s not a bad life. I have not had to endure but a few tragic incidents, not a lifetime of tragedy, or poverty, or abuse. Overall, it’s an average life – I’d even give it a C+. So then why do I, so often, find myself so overwhelmed, unsatisfied and depressed over my life? I’m trying, everyday, to sort this out in my head… and I wonder if it’s my abundantly obvious codependency issue that has me feeling like my life is less than good. Why do I feel like I need someone with me? I wonder, does everyone feel that way? Does anyone ever choose or want to take this journey through life alone? Without that special someone by their side to share the goodness of life with? Is it just me?

I don’t think it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I am just completely ridiculous. I mean, my divorce has almost been final for 1 year – I’ve still got time to find someone. It’s still early in the game, right? Why do I feel so rushed? Maybe it’s because I have always dreamed of having more children, and my 35th birthday is approaching in April. Maybe I should not worry about finding someone, or having another child, and enjoy the wonderful, talented, spectacular little boy that God has already given me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him, you see, it’s just that I still feel that something is missing. I don’t like feeling that. I don’t feel complete. I want to be complete. I want to wrap up everything & everyone that makes me happy under one roof, and get on with enjoying life together, making forever happy memories together.

Ah, me. I drive me crazy sometimes. Seriously.

It’s a new year, a new beginning, and I am making some changes. Change makes me nervous, to be quite honest. As of right now, I’m a bundle of nerves. Last year, N and I were able to finally move out of my mom’s house after my divorce was final, and into our very own apartment. The drawback – it is a small, one bedroom apartment, and the rent is a little on the high side for a place so small. But, we have loved it dearly. We have, together, found our independence and carved out our own little place in the world where we can just be us, mother & son. Now, I feel it’s time to move on…. we have outgrown our little apartment. N will be 8 in March, and while I have enjoyed every minute that he has spent snuggled up next to me in bed every night, I know it’s time for him to spread his wings and enjoy the comfort and freedom of having a room of his own – a space that’s all his. Don’t we all want that? I suppose I do, too.

We are planning to move February 1st. Rent is ridiculous right now around here, so we are going to have a roommate. I know her quite well, she gets along well with N, and she has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom sitting empty. It’s in the same town, maybe a mile or two from where we are now. Much more affordable. So, why does it make me so nervous? Maybe it’s the transition of going from being completely free and independent, to having a roommate. I’m not sure. But, at the same time I do look forward to what it will give back to N and to myself. We will both finally have our own space in the world to retreat to, a place to shut the door and spend some quiet time alone. I definitely need that.

Things could be so much worse. I hope that this year, I learn to live for today and be thankful for what I am surrounded by – I want to live in the moment, and be happy with where I am in my life. That’s my only resolution – to try to learn how to live in the moment, and be happy with it. Whatever it may be…

I just can’t do this. Not right now. I don’t know why, but I can’t find it in me to write…

So, a few random thoughts and facts:

• My divorce was final January 23rd
• I got a job, a decent one, and I work way too much now.
• I got involved with that boy that’s been hanging around since November, and he broke my heart.
• My feelings have been so hurt, so deeply, that I can barely function.
• I trusted him, like I haven’t trusted anyone in 10 years.
• I am a stupid, stupid girl.
• I got way behind in school, spending so much time with him.
• I was so, so happy.
• I lost 2 pant sizes since my last post.
• I can’t eat. I can’t force it down.
• I can’t sleep. I am too anxious, and nervous, and suffer terrible tension headaches.
• I haven’t tanned in forever.
• I can’t wait for the gym to open by my house so I can join.
• I got a new tattoo. An  “N” on my left wrist, and I love it. Treasure it. It’s my favorite.
• I am going to get another one very soon, maybe this weekend.
• I think I may already need another pair of jeans, maybe a size smaller.
• I love getting smaller. I don’t care that it’s stress causing it.
• I want to come out of my skin thinking of him being with her.
• oh yeah, I caught him with her.
• I flipped the F out. Seriously.
• I still have hope, and believe in love.
• I’m still a stupid girl.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySqz4USHA4Y]

I’m itching to redesign this site in a bad, bad way now… I’ve gone as far as to narrow my design choices down to 3 kits, all of which I already purchased. It’s not so much that I can’t decide which one to use, because the truth is that I like bits and pieces from each… it’s more so that I can’t quite figure out how I want the layout. So, I’ve been searching for inspiration and every time I think I find something that inspires me, I find something else completely opposite that inspires me just the same. Sometimes it’s sucks being so indecisive! Anyhow, here are the kits I have selected to use…

I don’t particularly have a favorite. I like that they all have black, though. I’m not sure what direction I will go with the design, I guess I will just see when I open all the files and start mixing it all up

I think I’m going to hit the town tomorrow night. I’m tired of being home and depressed. A couple people called tonight to see if I would come out, but I declined. One night, that’s it. I will not be a barfly. Not this week, anyway.

When we were at the church to see Santa this week, there was this couple in line ahead of us.. He placed his hand on the small of her back, and very gently, very subtly he nudged her in his direction. She instinctively followed his lead and moved in closer to him, and he very sweetly leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. It made something inside of me ache, and honestly, it made me want to cry.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting with my soon-to-be ex-husband at the mediator’s office to finish hashing out our divorce agreement so that we can get it signed, and filed. Then when January rolls around, there won’t be anything stopping the divorce from being finalized. It’s bittersweet.

My background music today,  Lisa Loeb – Falling In Love.

This Thankful Thursday, I’m thankful that my divorce is almost here, and almost over with. A year is a long time to wait. Especially when you have been ready to move on for SO long. I’m ready to see what life has to offer me after my divorce. Anxious, even. Excited, maybe. Definitely ready.

I failed at my 30 posts in 30 days for November. I almost made it. Story of my life: almost. Too bad almost doesn’t count, eh? Oh well. I’ll try again cuz I’m no quitter I just got real busy, if you must know. Thanksgiving week, no school, all that jazz – it was a great week. I enjoyed spending time away from the computer and with my boy. And with Dennis before he left.

He left today, for 28 days. I feel so lost. I hate that I can’t pick up my phone and call him whenever I want. His name is never more than 3 last calls down in my cell phone, because we talk *all* the time. I feel like I am going through detox! He really is one of my best friends, and I tell him EVERYthing. Now, I will just blog about it.

And FYI, I think someone (you know who you are) is stalking my blog. Hope you’re having fun. I have nothing to hide. Seriously.

Today was a long, long day. We had Internet connection issues and everybody seemed to have their panties in a wad over it, and of course they all just assume, because I’m the geeky computer nerd of the family, that I KNOW what the problem is and can fix it, pronto. Whatever. I nearly lost all contact with reality over that silly incident… I am on an emotional overload.

My pending divorce is due to be finalized in January. I’m very much looking forward to being divorced, on one hand, but am disappointed that I didn’t make better choices and will BE divorced due to that. On top of my disappointment in the failure of my marriage, I’m anxious about the divorce. I always feel like there’s a snake in the grass waiting to strike at the last minute. If that even makes any sense. I just want it to be over with already, so I can move forward and stop stressing out over it. We do a good job, I think, of compromising and coming to rational conclusions when it comes to N, but sometimes we are both guilty of letting our emotions rule us, and this first Holiday season dealing with life as it is now is taking it’s toll – on me, at least.

Oh then there was some stupid girl next door drama (literally). The girl needs a heaping dose of reality, or maybe a 10 day stint in a psych ward. Something. But she certainly needs to step up off of my shit. I got no time for her drama.

So, after all the stress today, my sisters and I took N to a Christmas parade in Mississippi tonight. It was nice, and fun. A welcome end to a stressful day.

I wonder how Dennis is doing. I hope he’s okay. He can’t call for at least a week, but he promised he would call as soon as he could. I hope he does. I already can’t wait to hear his voice.

Oh, and P.S. – I am about to start redesigning this blog. I’m sick and tired of the way it looks, and have figured a few things out. I tried finding something affordable, but I think only I can do it like I want – I’m way too picky. I just have been too lazy to learn the code & structure of WordPress, but here I go… so, if it looks a little wonky (haha, that’s for you Steph) around here for a few days, or weeks… I don’t know what to tell you lol – be patient with me

I haven’t written in awhile. I think I have writer’s block. It’s not that I don’t have things to write about, I am just having issues with articulating the words to form a story in order to type it out, so here I sit, just prepared to pound it out on the keyboard and write about SOMETHING.

The first thing that comes to mind is something that has been bothering me for a couple of days. Someone I know, whom I am not fond of by any stretch of the imagination, is hellbent on making me the bad guy and is planting doubt in the minds of people who know me in regard to my character. Mind you, most of these people he, we’ll call him SFM, is talking to about me are not necessarily people that I care to associate with anyway. So, what’s the trouble, you ask? The trouble is, I live in a small town, and people talk…

Before SFM entered my life via a friendship with his future ex-wife, nobody in this town knew my business. I don’t tell my business like that. My personal life (aka – MY divorce) is kept to myself. I don’t feel the need to air my dirty laundry all over town, and besides, I just don’t like to talk about it. Nor do I care to talk about anyone else’s dirty laundry (and just let me tell you, SFM has plenty of it, and if I ever took the back road instead of the high road I could most definitely and thoroughly embarrass him).

However, SFM, in an attempt to create false sense of character surrounding himself, has chosen to smear MY good character to anyone who will listen. He has fooled himself into thinking that I am the cause of his problems. Not his infedility, or his inability to tell the truth, or his stalker-ish tendancies… but me. I’m the source of all of his problems.

At the risk of sounding like I’m launching a smear campaign of my own (which I am not), he’s a little crazy, y’all.

So, what do you do when someone questions your character? Obviously, reacting to it will solve nothing. He would love a dramatic reaction. That was also my first instinct – to call him and chew him a new ass. However, I thought… what would THAT behavior say about my character? He has me questioning my own character…. This really bothers me.

I think, at the end of the day… maybe it’s not a bad thing that SFM has caused me to take a good look in the mirror… If anything good can come of this, I think it will be me coming out of it all a better person. I don’t want to be the person he paints me to be, so I will keep a close eye on me to be sure that nothing I say or do could possibly be construed as a character flaw and cause him to seem “right” about me…

So, while it still bothers me, and I wish I could talk to all of these people he is enjoying poisoning against me to let them know that really, destroying him is not at the top of my list, I will refrain. And I will say, thanks SFM, for helping me work on becoming a better person.

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