Archive for the ‘Thankful Thursday’ Category

My life, it’s not a bad life. I have not had to endure but a few tragic incidents, not a lifetime of tragedy, or poverty, or abuse. Overall, it’s an average life – I’d even give it a C+. So then why do I, so often, find myself so overwhelmed, unsatisfied and depressed over my life? I’m trying, everyday, to sort this out in my head… and I wonder if it’s my abundantly obvious codependency issue that has me feeling like my life is less than good. Why do I feel like I need someone with me? I wonder, does everyone feel that way? Does anyone ever choose or want to take this journey through life alone? Without that special someone by their side to share the goodness of life with? Is it just me?

I don’t think it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I am just completely ridiculous. I mean, my divorce has almost been final for 1 year – I’ve still got time to find someone. It’s still early in the game, right? Why do I feel so rushed? Maybe it’s because I have always dreamed of having more children, and my 35th birthday is approaching in April. Maybe I should not worry about finding someone, or having another child, and enjoy the wonderful, talented, spectacular little boy that God has already given me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him, you see, it’s just that I still feel that something is missing. I don’t like feeling that. I don’t feel complete. I want to be complete. I want to wrap up everything & everyone that makes me happy under one roof, and get on with enjoying life together, making forever happy memories together.

Ah, me. I drive me crazy sometimes. Seriously.

It’s a new year, a new beginning, and I am making some changes. Change makes me nervous, to be quite honest. As of right now, I’m a bundle of nerves. Last year, N and I were able to finally move out of my mom’s house after my divorce was final, and into our very own apartment. The drawback – it is a small, one bedroom apartment, and the rent is a little on the high side for a place so small. But, we have loved it dearly. We have, together, found our independence and carved out our own little place in the world where we can just be us, mother & son. Now, I feel it’s time to move on…. we have outgrown our little apartment. N will be 8 in March, and while I have enjoyed every minute that he has spent snuggled up next to me in bed every night, I know it’s time for him to spread his wings and enjoy the comfort and freedom of having a room of his own – a space that’s all his. Don’t we all want that? I suppose I do, too.

We are planning to move February 1st. Rent is ridiculous right now around here, so we are going to have a roommate. I know her quite well, she gets along well with N, and she has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom sitting empty. It’s in the same town, maybe a mile or two from where we are now. Much more affordable. So, why does it make me so nervous? Maybe it’s the transition of going from being completely free and independent, to having a roommate. I’m not sure. But, at the same time I do look forward to what it will give back to N and to myself. We will both finally have our own space in the world to retreat to, a place to shut the door and spend some quiet time alone. I definitely need that.

Things could be so much worse. I hope that this year, I learn to live for today and be thankful for what I am surrounded by – I want to live in the moment, and be happy with where I am in my life. That’s my only resolution – to try to learn how to live in the moment, and be happy with it. Whatever it may be…

It’s no secret, I am addicted to blogging (reading moreso than writing lately), and twitter, and well… everything pretty much online. I’m a nerd, I know. I have been learning to love Twitter. I didn’t “get it” at first, but I can see clearly now that it’s pretty awesome.

However this week, I’ve been disheartened by some cruel, insensitive people out there in the twit-o-sphere. I’m not naming names, because I am not looking for traffic or comments or anything of the sort. I’m just disgusted. Flat out disgusted.

A fellow twitter-mom lost her 2 year old son a few nights ago. He fell in the pool. She tweeted for prayers for her son. I personally see nothing wrong with that – with reaching out to your network for support. How is it any different than calling a friend and saying “please pray” and that friend calling other friends to pray for her son?? It was a quick, simple, effecient way to contact an entire network of people for prayers.

I don’t know this mom, but my heart is broken into a million pieces for her, and for her son, and the rest of her family. Other twitterers have all but crucified this mom for twittering after her son’s death, claiming it was a hoax, it was for attention, or to collect donations. I can see the skepticism in donating money so soon if you don’t personally know this mom, but I cannot for the life of me fathom how someone could openly, publicly accuse a mother of these horrific things. This is no time to air your opinions, or criticism, or doubt, or… well, anything really, other than sympathy. If you doubt the validity of said mother, then just wait and the truth will reveal itself…

I have no doubt, I didn’t from the minute I read her tweet and my heart hit the floor. All I could think of was wrapping my arms around my very own son, and telling him how much I love him and how important he is to me. I can’t imagine another mother feeling any other way than to be THANKFUL for what you have right in front of you, and for feeling devastated for a mother who will never again be able to hold, or hug, or read a book to her little boy… because he’s gone.

I know that when you put yourself “out there” on the internet, you’re subjecting yourself to be in this position (being attacked, criticized, slandered, etc.) at any given moment. But good God, why would anyone choose THIS moment in someone’s life to pounce?

For you attackers, I hope you can sleep at night. Lord knows I have spent the last few nights awake and apalled at your behavior and accusations.

It seems that this mom has a great network of friends, and for that I’m thankful. The last thing she needs to feel right now is guilt. Her son is gone. Forever gone. No amount of accusations to make her feel guilty for anything she did or did not do will change that.

Fellow twitter mom, you are in my prayers.

It’s Thankful Thursday, and this week I am thankful for snow.

Yes, snow.

Normally, I hate snow. When we lived in Virginia, I despised it because I was trapped at home, not knowing how to drive in it. But living in Louisiana (where snow is rare), it was a nice treat. It snowed here today!

It’s the first snow in 4 years. The last time it snowed was Christmas Day, 2004. N was two and a half, and it was my Grandpa’s last Christmas with us. We didn’t know it then, but it’s a sweet memory now.

This morning we were glued to the television, watching the pictures roll into the news channels as the snow got closer and closer to us. We were also watching the clock, wondering if the snow would get here before the bus came so they would call a snow day for our parish.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. N really wanted a snow day, but I kind of knew it wouldn’t last long (the snow, that is – it never does here) so I sent him packin’. He was happy that once it started sticking to the ground (just ever so little), they let the kids go out for a few minutes at school and enjoy the snow. Naturally, he wanted to stay out longer, but he was excited that he got to go in it at all.

Poor kid. The snow flurries started coming down, literally, as we saw the bus coming down the road (see the headlight in the background?). That was a tough moment to be his mom, because I wanted to say “forget it, stay home! snow day!”

I’m itching to redesign this site in a bad, bad way now… I’ve gone as far as to narrow my design choices down to 3 kits, all of which I already purchased. It’s not so much that I can’t decide which one to use, because the truth is that I like bits and pieces from each… it’s more so that I can’t quite figure out how I want the layout. So, I’ve been searching for inspiration and every time I think I find something that inspires me, I find something else completely opposite that inspires me just the same. Sometimes it’s sucks being so indecisive! Anyhow, here are the kits I have selected to use…

I don’t particularly have a favorite. I like that they all have black, though. I’m not sure what direction I will go with the design, I guess I will just see when I open all the files and start mixing it all up

I think I’m going to hit the town tomorrow night. I’m tired of being home and depressed. A couple people called tonight to see if I would come out, but I declined. One night, that’s it. I will not be a barfly. Not this week, anyway.

When we were at the church to see Santa this week, there was this couple in line ahead of us.. He placed his hand on the small of her back, and very gently, very subtly he nudged her in his direction. She instinctively followed his lead and moved in closer to him, and he very sweetly leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. It made something inside of me ache, and honestly, it made me want to cry.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting with my soon-to-be ex-husband at the mediator’s office to finish hashing out our divorce agreement so that we can get it signed, and filed. Then when January rolls around, there won’t be anything stopping the divorce from being finalized. It’s bittersweet.

My background music today,  Lisa Loeb – Falling In Love.

This Thankful Thursday, I’m thankful that my divorce is almost here, and almost over with. A year is a long time to wait. Especially when you have been ready to move on for SO long. I’m ready to see what life has to offer me after my divorce. Anxious, even. Excited, maybe. Definitely ready.