Archive for the ‘The Boy’ Category

What. The. Fuck.

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting! I missed the fucking memo on kids and BUTT WORMS!! Yeah. You heard me.

Butt. Worms.

Yeah, yeah – I’m aware they are “pin worms” but when your kid tells you… oh you know what? I can’t even go there. I have been gagging and dry heaving ever since we discovered this fucking awful, disgusting, horrible condition. I am not normally a queasy person, but when it comes to parasites – forget it. Count me out.

I called N ‘s doctor, we got his medicine – now I’m officially the Motherfucking Poop Inspector, MD.

(barf. gag. vomit. worms in poop? vomit!)

Maybe you didn’t want to know that my child has butt worms but guess what, neither did I!

My mom says I probably had them when I was little too, she says we all did – I say, if that’s the case then I have successfully blocked it from my memory and I’d like for it to stay gone.

I cannot wait until this nightmare is over. Meanwhile, you can find me disinfecting everything….

Related articles

• What is the best cure for pinworms (wiki.answers.com)
• What are worms called in the human body (wiki.answers.com)

My son came home with an Easter egg shaped booklet that they made in school, and wrote stories in. The teacher gave them the plot, and they were to write their own story… I cracked up laughing when I was reading what N embellished the plot with… I love his imagination. Here are two of his stories, in all of their misspelling glory… (he gets straight A’s in Spelling, so I’m not sure what this is about, but it’s still pretty good for a 2nd grader)

“I woke up the day befor easter and I had turned into a Easter bunny. I hopped around and it was cool. But then things got strang. My mom came in my room. So I hid in my closet. She stepped out of my room. I stepped out of my closet. Then I jumped out my window. Then I layed eggs at the park.”

“One morning I saw peter cottontal walking down the street. A car headed for him. Then a grizly bear headed for him. They atacked him. But the light turned red.”

I know he’s only 8, but I sure do miss these days….

Everyone is pregnant around here… I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy and extremely maternal… my ovaries are alive, and screaming to procreate!!!

And, I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I’m turning 35 29 at the end of this month…

Yesterday was N’s 8th Birthday… it’s also his weekend with his dad. That resulted in me already being in a depressed state prior to the phone call I received at 7:30am this morning…

A dear friend, someone I worked with every single day for over a year and shared many, many secrets with and spent many, many weekends on the river with passed away this morning in her sleep.

I’ve never lost anyone that I was close to that had yet to live their life completely, and my heart is broken. She was just 42. Cause of death is not yet known. She was a hard worker, an amazing confidante, a wonderful friend, and one of the best mothers I’ve ever known.

Rest in Peace, Char. I’ll miss you for the rest of my life.

Originally, I started this blog to record some of the funnier things that N has to say… so today, I’m going to get back to the basics and share some recent funnies with you.

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N: Mom, when you were pregnant with me and I was in your belly, how did you or your body know to make me a boy, when you don’t have a penis?

Me: *insert deer in headlights look & steady putting laundry in the wash* Umm… it’s genetic – it was already decided you’d be a boy, it’s in your genes.

N: What?!! I didn’t wear JEANS when I was in your belly!! Geesh, mom, you should know that!

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N: (in the bath) Mom!! Come here!!! MOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! Please come here!!!!

Me: (in the bathroom) What, son?

N: (standing, and pointing to his privates) Mom. Something’s wrong!! My nuts are dead!

Me: (trying not to fall out in the floor laughing) Excuse me? What makes you think they are dead?

N: LOOK at them! (hello, shriveled, due to getting out of the tub I guess?)

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N: I told my teacher you threw away my behavior chart when you cleaned out my backpack.

Me: Did I throw it away?

N: I don’t know. I just told her that because I got tired of her asking me about it.

Me: I don’t think I did. It’s probably in the stack of papers by the chair. I’ll look when we get home and if it’s there, I’ll be sure to put it back in your folder.

N: Don’t you DARE, Mom!

Me: Excuse me?

N: *big dramatic sigh* Ok fine. But if you put it back in my folder, make sure I wear something really stinky to school.

Me: Something stinky??? Why?

N: So she’ll believe me when I tell her I had to dig through the city dump to find it!

My boy, N just celebrated his 7th birthday. Hard to believe my baby is 7 years old… I can’t seem to get enough hugs and kisses in lately, because I know that it will come to an end all too soon… He’s such a good boy. And he sure does love his Mom I am very blessed.

It wasn’t a big party, like usual… it was my first “single mom” birthday party for him. I didn’t want it to show, I wanted everything to carry on as it always has, but that wasn’t the case. There were a few things that weren’t quite right – not what he/we are used to doing/having at his parties.

But, were survived it. We’re troopers! No thanks to his father, who said we would split the cost 50/50 for decorations, food, and gifts… then bailed out on me a week before N’s birthday. I had to postpone the party another week so I could get another paycheck to cover HIS half that he bailed on. Yeah, I was a little pissed.

But here’s the kicker… he said he would just have cake and ice cream for N at his house, and get him whatever he could afford to get him…. then 3 days before N’s party, he says to me “Why haven’t I gotten an invitaion to N’s birthday party?“

I’m sorry – WHAT?! Did I hear that correctly? Once I was able to compose myself after falling out in a fit of laughter I said, quite calmly… “Because you’re not fucking invited….“– I mean, was I wrong to NOT invite the selfish pig?

What kind of moron bails on a birthday party to have his own lame ass cake with his son, but then wants to swoop in and play a role in a party that *I ALONE* busted MY ass on! My ex-husband, that’s who. See why he’s my ex? Oh, just one of many, many reasons… dirtbag.

Then of course, in true ex-dirtbag fashion, he tried to sabatage the party by delivering N home just 45 minutes before the party was scheduled to start. That’s the closest I think I would have ever come to punching that sorry bastard in the face with everything I have, had he made my son miss his birthday party. I wanted to do it anyway. In a bad, badass kind of way!

Once all of that crappola drama he drags around with his Eeyore self ended, we were able to carry on with the party… it was small. No kids from his class came, which was a little disappointing for him I think, but his bestest friends showed up and that was all that mattered. And his WHOLE family (read: MY side of the family) was there. He was a happy kid, that had a great 7th birthday. He wasn’t even aware of all of his father’s antics, and I like to keep it that way.

He got his long awaited Nintendo DS, and I think he was pleased with it. And overall, aside from all of the chaos that I thought would destroy the whole party, it turned out quite well. N was happy, and really, what else matters?