Archive for the ‘Funny Things’ Category

F*** me dead I just got a bajillion whiny emails saying I have not updated this since Paris Hilton was in jail… You would not believe that my hands were chopped off and I was waiting for bionic ones. Apologies to my regular readers! Even the little blue ones!.

I am flat out like a lizard drinking with only your readership as life preserver, being distracted by the shiny things, just generally being Snow White to every Lost Boy that crosses my path, my day is fun and exciting from the first cockadoodledoo from the rooster till I run out of alcohol. I am putting money aside so I can run away. it will be fun fun fun till they take my TBird away.

I declare solemnly I will update you with my nefarious activities as soon as I get a chance. You wanna test me? Unless of course the pool with the cocktail bar is heated!.

( I am not really crazy – this post was generated from this website. )

Last night, my incredibly funny son, my mother and I were sitting around watching a movie and having 27 conversations at the same time. If you have a kid, you get this. At some point in the conversation, the focus was on his loose teeth and I mentioned how half of the teeth in his mouth are loose, but he won’t pull them or let me pull them. I said something similar to “that one in the front is barely hanging by a thread”…. which set the wheels in motion for one of his funnier comments….

N began, rather dramatically, to describe WHY he could not pull that particular tooth. We tried to let him explain himself without laughing, but it gets difficult because he gets SO wrapped up in the story he is trying to tell. Before it all fell apart (read: we died laughing), his story went something like this:

“Look, I just can’t pull this tooth because it’s attached. It’s not just attached where you can see it, it’s way down in there, like a string, and it is NOT ready to come out yet. You just can’t see it..”

{increased frustration because we don’t understand what he is saying}

“Okay, listen. You can’t see how it’s still attached to my body like this… BUT, if you could turn me inside out, then you could see…”

I don’t know what he said after that, because once he said the words “inside out” my mother and I looked at each other and went into fits of convulsive laughter. I’m happy to report that N wasn’t as offended as he usually is when you laugh at him, he ended up getting a good laugh out of it too.

Inside out, though? Seriously? Where does he come up with this stuff!

{just because I love pictures of when he was a baby – that melon head and those ears melt my heart}

My mother is relentless. She got the box set of Where The Red Fern Grows, and Where The Red Fern Grows II. EVERYONE knows that it’s one of the saddest movies EVER. Ok, well if you’re close in age to me, you know this. I remember vividly how broken hearted I was by this movie, as well as Old Yeller.

Yet for some asinine reason, I allowed her to persuade N and I into watching Where The Red Fern Grows. N adamantly refused, he must have sensed the looming sadness and his fight or flight response kicked in. I mean, he did everything right down to ask my grandma if he could come to her house while we watched “that stupid fern grows movie that Gran is FORCING me to watch and I don’t want to”…

When I tell you the child didn’t want to watch the movie, I’m telling you he all but threw a hissy fit. However, yet again, for some absolutely stunning and unknown reason, I joined her in the persuading of him to watch the movie. Finally, she just put the movie on. Eventually, he took notice and got still enough to watch it.

Naturally, right around the time I notice he’s watching the movie and starting to smile (to himself, if he knew anyone was looking it would be the sourpuss face of course) I realize what I’ve done… I have just set my one and only dear son up for heart break. Who does that? What kind of mother am I? I knew when the persuasion started how it would leave him feeling, yet I did it anyway! Is it some sick right of passage as a mother?

We all know what’s coming. The damn dogs die. My kid cries. I cry. That sucked!

Then dear sweet “Gran” tries to persuade us to watch part 2!! I had enough, and so did N. We just couldn’t take anymore, so we didn’t watch. We can only handle getting attached to and losing so many dogs per day…

N says, of the movie… “Gran FORCED me to watch that movie, the red fern grows and it was sad and it DRAMATIZED me!”

Dramatized is right. It was a lot of drama, on screen and off.

As I sat in the drive thru this morning waiting on my a.m. caffiene fix, I stared unconcerned out of the window waiting for something worthwhile to come on Kidd Craddock in the Morning (they always crack me up). I was going over things to do today in my mind, when something caught my attention – what did they say? It’s a commercial, but they have paused long enough, and said something crazy enough to pull me away from myself to see what in the world was coming out of my radio…

Then they say it again…. “we love bugs!” … Now, they had my interest. What was this about? I must havemissed an important part of the commercial, because it left me with that empty feeling. All I knew was there seemed to be some people that love bugs, and they also mentioned (and I quote) “roaches and termites get a bad rap!”…

photo credit: CharlesLam

At this point I realized something. I knew then I was going to go home and look up “we love bugs”. I also knew, in that split second, that they were doing something right. At the risk of sounding like a complete horses ass, these “we love bugs” people just succeeded in marketing themselves to me, the listener. They said “we love bugs” enough times (more than I have done here, trust me) that there was no possible way that I could forget it, and when they said roaches and termites got a bad rap, well I nearly snorted the laugh came out so quickly and unexpectedly. They did it! I don’t know why they love bugs, nor do I really care, but they got my attention, and by God, I was going to Google them when I got home.

And I did.

First I tried welovebugs.com and that didn’t work, it took me to an auto collision body repair shop website. So, I googled “we love bugs” and came across welovebugs.org – only then did I realize it was an advertisement for the New Orleans Audubon Zoo’s opening of the Audubon Insectarium in approximately 25 days. That’s kind of neat, I already learned something today – because I had no idea there even was such a thing as an “insectarium” (much less, a word for it!).

So, if you feel like you’re going to look like a fool for clicking that link to check out the upcoming Insectarium first, make sure nobody is looking. Second, imagine being me and realizing not only did I fall head over feet for a “we love bugs” commercial, but I sat here and blogged about it.

photo credit: Laurent Jégou

Setup: Me standing near a patch of clovers, my son across the yard, my mother sitting on the porch.

Conversation:
Me: Hey N, have you looked for any 4 leaf clovers?

N: What? (walking closer)

Mom: Ma’am (correcting him)

Me: Have you looked for any 4 leaf clovers?

N: What? (still coming across the yard)

Mom: Ma’am! (still correcting him)

Me: 4 leaf clovers! Have you found any this year?

N: WHAT? (increased frustration)

Mom: Ma’am!! (still correcting him!)

N to Mom : STOP saying dirty words!

Mom and I looked at each other and fell over in a fit of laughter – I am not kidding when I tell you I nearly pissed myself. He was frustrated because he couldn’t hear what I was saying, and he thought she was saying “Damn!” over and over and it was making him SO mad!! When I told him she was telling him to say “Ma’am” instead of “What” he cracked up and said “OH! I thought she kept saying the D word!”

I crack up thinking about what must have been going through his head… the look on his face was priceless, he was so irritated that she kept putting her .02 cents into our conversation that he couldn’t even make out LoL…

I honestly think the drama with a 5 year old never ends.  Boy or girl, there is drama to be had.

Yesterday was N’s class’s turn to shop at the Santa Secret Shop at school. Last year (in pre-k) he did wonderful, he got gifts for the people on his list and was adamant about not letting anyone open them until Christmas.

This year – WHOLE different story.

He went to school with $20.00. Mind you, the gifts are priced from $.50 cents to $5.00. He had 5 people on his list. When we picked him up, he had 4 gifts, and all he could focus on was the ONE gift that “they” were not supposed to wrap.

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that they were not supposed to wrap this gift because it was HIS…. I asked him – “What? Why is it for you?” Well, duh – “because it is ripped” – which obviously made no sense.

After we got home, we did a little more investigation. It appears that he bought himself a gift. Okay… I said “So, how much did this gift cost N?” he says “It had a 5 on it”.

I said “N, you were supposed to buy gifts for other people, not yourself.” and he responds with “Well mom, you gave me $20. If you had given me $30, then I could have bought all those gifts!”

What? Are you KIDDING me? He’s 5!!

So, I look at the OTHER 3 gifts he bought. One is for me, one for his dad, and the 3rd one…??? FOR JASPER!!

His list stated: Mom, Dad, Granny, Aunt A & Maw Maw.

The whole thing was funny, I thought…