Archive for the ‘Funny Things’ Category

What. The. Fuck.

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting! I missed the fucking memo on kids and BUTT WORMS!! Yeah. You heard me.

Butt. Worms.

Yeah, yeah – I’m aware they are “pin worms” but when your kid tells you… oh you know what? I can’t even go there. I have been gagging and dry heaving ever since we discovered this fucking awful, disgusting, horrible condition. I am not normally a queasy person, but when it comes to parasites – forget it. Count me out.

I called N ‘s doctor, we got his medicine – now I’m officially the Motherfucking Poop Inspector, MD.

(barf. gag. vomit. worms in poop? vomit!)

Maybe you didn’t want to know that my child has butt worms but guess what, neither did I!

My mom says I probably had them when I was little too, she says we all did – I say, if that’s the case then I have successfully blocked it from my memory and I’d like for it to stay gone.

I cannot wait until this nightmare is over. Meanwhile, you can find me disinfecting everything….

Related articles

• What is the best cure for pinworms (wiki.answers.com)
• What are worms called in the human body (wiki.answers.com)

Originally, I started this blog to record some of the funnier things that N has to say… so today, I’m going to get back to the basics and share some recent funnies with you.

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N: Mom, when you were pregnant with me and I was in your belly, how did you or your body know to make me a boy, when you don’t have a penis?

Me: *insert deer in headlights look & steady putting laundry in the wash* Umm… it’s genetic – it was already decided you’d be a boy, it’s in your genes.

N: What?!! I didn’t wear JEANS when I was in your belly!! Geesh, mom, you should know that!

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N: (in the bath) Mom!! Come here!!! MOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! Please come here!!!!

Me: (in the bathroom) What, son?

N: (standing, and pointing to his privates) Mom. Something’s wrong!! My nuts are dead!

Me: (trying not to fall out in the floor laughing) Excuse me? What makes you think they are dead?

N: LOOK at them! (hello, shriveled, due to getting out of the tub I guess?)

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N: I told my teacher you threw away my behavior chart when you cleaned out my backpack.

Me: Did I throw it away?

N: I don’t know. I just told her that because I got tired of her asking me about it.

Me: I don’t think I did. It’s probably in the stack of papers by the chair. I’ll look when we get home and if it’s there, I’ll be sure to put it back in your folder.

N: Don’t you DARE, Mom!

Me: Excuse me?

N: *big dramatic sigh* Ok fine. But if you put it back in my folder, make sure I wear something really stinky to school.

Me: Something stinky??? Why?

N: So she’ll believe me when I tell her I had to dig through the city dump to find it!

Ok folks, I’m cleaning out the cobwebs… with no explanation. Not yet. Just something funny that I don’t want to forget…

Last Friday N turned 7. Wow. Hard to believe, but it’s true – my baby is 7 now. A couple of days ago, he was playing on his computer, I was playing on mine.. and he came over, all wide eyed and serious and the following conversation ensued:

N : Mom, can you please come help me with something on my computer? I only have 30 days FREE To play this game, and I need to do it very quick because they just asked me to be (insert EVEN more serious face) a shockwave player.…

(( for the record, when he said “shockwave player” it vaguely sounded familiar to me, but I was still a little lost on what he was talking about…))

Me: ..they asked you to be a what? (not even concerned with who “they” are – what a wonderful mom, eh?)

N : a shockwave player, mom! So i said (in a virtual whisper..) install now…

It took everything I had to not lose my head with laughter. I never told him any different. He still thinks that “they” asked him to be a shockwave player, and that it’s a super great honor to be asked, and to have the opportunity to install now.

I was tagged over at The Dish & The Spoon to name 7 random/weird things about myself. There are SO many more than 7, let me see if I can narrow this down…

1. The clothes in my closet (and consequently, my son’s) are arranged from light to dark, and separated in sections (ie: short sleeve, no collar; short sleeve w/collar; short sleeve button up; etc.) I can’t help it, and would rather NOT put the clothes away if I don’t have the time to organize them properly.
2. On the subject of clothing, all underwear gets folded. Yes, folded.
3. My movies are all stored in alphabetical order.
4. I like to make tea as soon as I turn off the pot of boiling water. If someone cuts it off without telling me, I have to start over.
5. There is no such thing as disinfecting too much. This includes counters, hands, you name it.
6. My mom tried to get my grandparents to adopt me when my dad left, when I was 2.
7. Little things, such as a paper cut, stubbing my toe, or hitting my funny bone send me over the edge and into a drama filled frenzy of “ooh ouch ouch aaah, oh my gawd, ouch, ouch” – but big things, like having c-sections, or breaking an arm, or having a chemical peel, getting things pierced or getting tattoos are just fine by me.

Whew. Survived it! Now I am supposed to tag 7 other blogs that I read. This could be difficult, but let’s see what I have for you…

1. See Kori Rant
2. Charming & Delightful
3. Looky, Daddy!
4. Quiet Life
5. Motherhood Uncensored
6. a bright future
7. It’s All About Balance

Today’s conversation with N….

Me: I love you, baby.

N: I love you to mom. And listen, you can call me baby now but when I’m all grown up, can you not call me baby anymore? Because I won’t be one…

Me: *hmph* Well… I don’t care how old you are, or how grown up you are, you’ll always be my baby…

N: Ok look mom, just don’t embarass me with all that baby stuff. That’s all I’m tryin’ to say, alright?

Me: Okay. So can I call you sugar-booger instead?

N: Mom! I said do not embarrass me. You can’t say things like that in front of my friends at school. Do you understand?

Me: … but… but… you are my baby… and my sugar-booger…..

N: Okay mom, how about if you just call me those thing when it’s just me and you. If I let you do that, will you promise not to embarrass me when I’m a teenager in high school?

Me: *snicker* Why, certainly!

This week at my son’s school is Drug Awareness Week. Mostly, for short, it’s called “Drug Free Week” – which is oddly unsettling, considering he’s in 1st grade and it’s an ELEMENTARY school. As if, for this week, no drugs for you first graders!! Aah… I wish he didn’t even have to learn about that crap, but I guess the reality of it is he DOES have to learn, because there are actual scumbags out there that realy WOULD try to get my 1st grader to use drugs. Asshats.

So anyway, for the week each day is a different theme. Today is his favorite theme – crazy sock day. Needless to say, being  a little boy his socks just don’t get too crazy. We won’t discuss his mama’s crazy sock collection, that’s entirely beside the point. So, he got a grey sock, and a white sock with red & blue stripes at the top. To him, that was crazy. He was very, very proud of his crazy sock selection. I’m just glad I didn’t have to send him off in any of mine….

Before school this morning, he lifted his pants to show Aimee his crazy socks, as he cracked up laughing. She asked why his socks didn’t match, it took her a minute to catch on (she had just woken up, in her defense). I made a comment about it being drug week at school… and… here’s the kicker…

N says….

“NO mom, it’s FREE DRUGS at school this week!!!”

(P.S. – It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about lately, it’s just that I’m being greedy! Sorry. I promise to start writing more regularly. I’ve also just been really busy. New guy, looking for a new job, very little sleep, etc, etc.)