Archive for the ‘Day to Day’ Category

..the most beautiful girl in the world?

My niece, Hadassah (who has not been properly introduced here, but is a *star* already on Facebook). 6 months old now, and my absolute favorite little girl in the world. She’s stolen my heart and soul.

I haven’t blogged about him much. Our relationship has been more than a little bit rocky and unstable. He’s been in my life for over a year now. I’ve loved him, I’ve hated him…. but mostly, I’ve loved him, and wanted nothing more than him. And he’s back…. and I don’t know where I stand, where “we” stand, but he is what I have wanted for so long, that I’m just taking in as much of him as I can get…. I’m reluctant to share too much about him. I want him all to myself. All I know is what I feel for him is overwhelming. His face is one I can’t seem to ever say no to. When I look at him, I see me/us. I hope this time, he stays, and we do the damn thing, and do it right. Together. Only time will tell I suppose.

The title is the only part of this, that is funny to me…. a friend of mine and I joked about how quickly we can lose guys, she mentioned the movie “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” – having  just gone through what I am about to tell you, I couldn’t help but laugh and respond with “I can do it in half that time!”  True story.

Before

There has always been something inside of me. Something that kept me going, something that, to me, was like an invisible backbone intertwined with faith and spirit. No matter how bad things ever got, or how depressed I ever was, that invisible force inside of me seemed to allow me to manage to carry on with my head held high. Even in my worst times of weakness, I was able to look at the sky, enjoy the sun, dance in the rain, because there was something inside of me that was pushing me to live, and love, and appreciate all that this life has to offer.

The Guy That Fell Out of Heaven

One day recently, this boy came along, dropped into my life unexpectedly and changed all sorts of things inside of me. This isn’t as much about him, as it is about myself. But I must say, he seemed to have been sent straight from Heaven. He was everything I ever wanted, or dreamed of – at least I thought so, based on his words and his actions. Everything he said and did, reinforced that invisible force inside of me. I was feeling justified in having kept my spirits up, for the most part, throughout all of the tragedy and torment that has found it’s way into my life. I felt vindicated. Happiness was finally mine. I had the entire world, that I had always dreamed of, in my grasp. I was falling in love. In what I thought, was true and honest love.

The Vanishing

On the 5th day of this story, I can’t even tell you what happened. There was very little conversation, it was awkward, distant… and then, he was gone. He removed himself from my life, just like that. Just that quick. As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared. I can’t go into the details of reliving that moment when I realized, he was out of my life, because I simply don’t want to relive it. I sat there with no sense of time in total shock. My jaw fell open, my heart hit the floor, and I just sat…. I kept waiting for it to not be real, for him to reappear, but I knew deep inside of me, that he wasn’t. I still don’t have an explanation, I couldn’t even ask for one.

The Brokenness

For the first time, that I remember, I hung my head. I didn’t cry. I actually laughed a little, because I couldn’t seem to force myself to see what was happening right in front of my face. All I knew was, I could not hold my head up anymore. I was tired, and it was heavy. I don’t mean to say this was my first broken heart, or that my heart is even broken. I am trying to put into words, not how this broke my heart, but how something inside of me other than my heart, for the first time ever, felt broken. Maybe not completely broken, but definitely cracked. That something inside of me, was bent, beaten, weak at so many points that it just gave out. Eventually yes, I cried. I cried because I was so easily deceived, I cried because the man I dreamed of doesn’t exist, I cried because I’d lost so much when I lost him – I lost the hope that I had. It wasn’t him that I had so much hope in, it was everything he had to offer. The chemistry between us. The comfortable friendship we shared. The laughter. I had so much hope for a happy future in all of those things, and with a swift shift of a key, he was gone and he took hope with him….

After

I don’t know what happens next. I can’t imagine feeling again…. When he fell into my life, I hated that I was feeling anything, because I knew that once those feelings got stirred up, there was a risk of hurt and pain being involved. I am not crushed. I am not defeated. I am not broken, damaged, or done. But then again, I feel like I am. The thought of hoping for the dream I had before causes nothing but for my head to hang, and a heaviness to creep into my heart and soul. Something happened inside of me. I lost more than just a guy in those 5 days.

This year, I have gained 3 babies in my life – 3!!! Last August, my very first nephew was born. In May, my first niece. And just yesterday, another nephew. I’ve had baby fever for years, everyone knows that – and I am so in love with these three babies. They fill me with so much love, when I lack it in so many other areas of my life. Next to my own child, I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love each of them.

Today, I’m missing the moments I never got with my baby J. Happy 4th Birthday sweet baby. You’re always in my thoughts, and in my heart.

This day is almost over.

This day, that every year, for the last 8 years, has belonged to my sweet, sweet baby Elijah… who was born into the arms of Jesus.

Before the day ends, I just want to say…. Happy Birthday Baby. I miss you, every minute of every day.

Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?

What. The. Fuck.

Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting! I missed the fucking memo on kids and BUTT WORMS!! Yeah. You heard me.

Butt. Worms.

Yeah, yeah – I’m aware they are “pin worms” but when your kid tells you… oh you know what? I can’t even go there. I have been gagging and dry heaving ever since we discovered this fucking awful, disgusting, horrible condition. I am not normally a queasy person, but when it comes to parasites – forget it. Count me out.

I called N ‘s doctor, we got his medicine – now I’m officially the Motherfucking Poop Inspector, MD.

(barf. gag. vomit. worms in poop? vomit!)

Maybe you didn’t want to know that my child has butt worms but guess what, neither did I!

My mom says I probably had them when I was little too, she says we all did – I say, if that’s the case then I have successfully blocked it from my memory and I’d like for it to stay gone.

I cannot wait until this nightmare is over. Meanwhile, you can find me disinfecting everything….

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