Archive for the ‘Casting Call’ Category

Seriously. What in the piss is wrong with me?

I have never in my 34 years known someone that I just.can’t.say.no.to.

I can’t say no to him.

Why?

I already know, I fell for him. I feel it everytime I hear his voice, and everytime I see his face. But I have dealt with it and I am trying with all my might to move forward.

It doesn’t take much. A phone call. And I’m gone – hook, line and sinker.

He says “I want to see you”. And I fall all over again. Everytime.

I don’t want it to be that way, but I think the truth is – I really just want to be with him. We get along so well – we always did. We have fun together, we laugh a lot, and there’s a lot of passion there. It’s on fire, even still. I don’t mean that… I mean, the oomph that most relationships are missing. It’s there, and it’s sizzlin.

Oh God. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Or am I trying to make an excuse for the fact that he just left my house? Son of a bitch!

I’m weak. I’m a weak, pathetic girl with stars in her eyes over some silly boy. Seriously. That’s not someone I ever thought I’d be.

N and I are finally in our own place. We are working out something of a routine, but we’re still adjusting. It’s very different just being him and I, but it’s already a huge improvement in our lives. I’m not sure how long we’ll stay in this place, it’s a very tiny one bedroom duplex. My sister is in the other side, so that’s nice. And it’s a s great neighborhood, on a dead end road. Very peaceful here – I like that. But we just don’t have room. I am hoping to qualify for some housing assistance, and then maybe we can afford something larger. Nothing too fancy, but 2 bedrooms would be nice! However, I’m grateful to have what we have now. So very grateful! I feel as if I’m finally able to grasp at the strands of sanity, and maybe even hold onto a few…

The only thing I hate is being single. I hate that I hate being single. What’s wrong with me? I want so badly to love this time in my life, and enjoy it, but I just do.not.do.single.well. And I really, really want to… I am trying very hard to focus on me and N and fill my time with things that we like, things that make us smile and laugh, with high hopes that I will rediscover myself and be the best mother that I can be to N…. I realize full and well that being single is the equivalent of being alone.. it’s just that i feel so alone… if that makes any sense.

I think I am single for a reason…. I’m not sure what that reason is exactly, but it feels like something good is in store for me and N… I just have to be patient, and wait for what’s right. You just don’t know how hard that is for me, because if I had it my way I’d run as fast as I could in the wrong direction with the first Mr. Wrong that made me laugh for a minute…

I need help. I may have mental issues.

don’t call me and tell me you miss me every now and then.

don’t tell me you want to see me, when you can get away from her.

don’t tell me how much I mean to you.

don’t make me laugh.

don’t remind me how good it was.

don’t make me miss you.

just don’t.

(edited Saturday 04.04.09 7:30am to add:)

…because I’ll fall for it, everytime… just like I just did… and I’ll pretend that I’ve got it under control, and that I’ve got my head in the game this time, and my heart won’t be affected…. but that’s not the truth… not even close…

(… because I really did leave out in a cloud of taillights and dust… and I do think about it… )
Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It

where would we be today if I never drove that car away?

I just can’t do this. Not right now. I don’t know why, but I can’t find it in me to write…

So, a few random thoughts and facts:

• My divorce was final January 23rd
• I got a job, a decent one, and I work way too much now.
• I got involved with that boy that’s been hanging around since November, and he broke my heart.
• My feelings have been so hurt, so deeply, that I can barely function.
• I trusted him, like I haven’t trusted anyone in 10 years.
• I am a stupid, stupid girl.
• I got way behind in school, spending so much time with him.
• I was so, so happy.
• I lost 2 pant sizes since my last post.
• I can’t eat. I can’t force it down.
• I can’t sleep. I am too anxious, and nervous, and suffer terrible tension headaches.
• I haven’t tanned in forever.
• I can’t wait for the gym to open by my house so I can join.
• I got a new tattoo. An  “N” on my left wrist, and I love it. Treasure it. It’s my favorite.
• I am going to get another one very soon, maybe this weekend.
• I think I may already need another pair of jeans, maybe a size smaller.
• I love getting smaller. I don’t care that it’s stress causing it.
• I want to come out of my skin thinking of him being with her.
• oh yeah, I caught him with her.
• I flipped the F out. Seriously.
• I still have hope, and believe in love.
• I’m still a stupid girl.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySqz4USHA4Y]

It’s Flickr Friday, and love is in the air!

Okay, not really. But I want it to be. I’m feeling very hopeful. Things are happening, and I feel like a spectator in my own life. People are coming, and people are going… and I am just watching to see who’s going to have a seat and stay awhile… Wow. Am I crazy?

I want love again. Someday. Preferably, someday soon. And to be cliche – I want a love like Johnny & June.

Oh there’s something ’bout a man in black,
Makes me want to buy a Cadillac,
Throw the top back,
And roll down to Jackson town,
I wanna be there on the stage with you,
You and I could be the next rage too,
Hear the crowd roar,
Make ‘em one more,
I’ll kick the footlights out,

I want  love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin’ with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
‘Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you’re gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

I wanna hold you baby right or wrong,
Build a world around a country song,
Pray a sweet prayer,
Follow you there,
Down in history,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin’ with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
‘Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you’re gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
More than life itself,
No-one else,
This here is promise,
They don’t make love like that anymore,
Is that too much to be askin’ for,

I wanna love like Johnny and June,
Rings of fire burnin’ with you,
I wanna walk the line,
Walk the line,
‘Till the end of time,
I wanna love,
Love ya that much,
Cash it all in,
Give it all up,
When you’re gone,
I wanna go too,
Like Johnny and June,

Like Johnny and June,
And when we’re gone,
There’ll be no tears to cry,
Only memories of our lives,
They’ll remember, remember,
A love like that.

I’ve heard that it takes 20 days to break a habit. I’m not sure where I heard that, or how true it is, but it’s been stuck in my head since December 1st, when I set my small list of goals. I don’t think I realized it then, but the “stop biting my nails” goal was so much bigger than the actual goal itself. In retrospect, I can see clearly how I was setting myself up to break a bigger habit. The big habit I need to break is Dennis. I know this now, today, the first day of 2009. I see it more clearly now than ever before.

Last night, I ditched my friends because he called and claimed he wanted me to come hang out. I always do that. I’m always readily available to him. I won’t do that anymore. I vowed last night, or made a resolution, or whatever you’d like to call it, that I would no longer be available to him at his convenience. When I stood alone outside at midnight, and watched the sky explode into fireworks through the tears in my eyes, I knew.

I did not plan to change anything, or to make any resolutions. It was all unexpectedly thrust in my face last night, and I just realized that this is a new year, and it’s going to be my year. If things are going to change, it has to start with me. He will never change. Our relationship will never change. And what it is now is not good enough for me. So, I told him that. I told him that when I left there this morning, I would never return the same. I explained to him that loving him isn’t good for me, that I’m tired of having my heart broken over and over. I just can’t do it anymore, and I won’t. I told him, I’m better than this. I deserve better, and I am going to lay my claim on that and move forward with it.

Funny how it all started with something so little as to stop biting my nails. But in a moment of clarity last night, sometime around midnight when I was still alone, still fighting the tears, with an aching heart I looked at my hands, and I saw my long, beautiful fingernails… something I have never, ever had.. and I knew, in that moment, that I can do this. I can let go of him. And I will.

And I think I might even be looking forward to it. It doesn’t hurt as bad as staying where I was, and always hoping and waiting and praying for things to change. It feels… I don’t know… it feels very empowering to know that I can change this situation, and it won’t be the end of the world.

Happy New Year everyone.