Archive for the ‘Casting Call’ Category

I haven’t blogged about him much. Our relationship has been more than a little bit rocky and unstable. He’s been in my life for over a year now. I’ve loved him, I’ve hated him…. but mostly, I’ve loved him, and wanted nothing more than him. And he’s back…. and I don’t know where I stand, where “we” stand, but he is what I have wanted for so long, that I’m just taking in as much of him as I can get…. I’m reluctant to share too much about him. I want him all to myself. All I know is what I feel for him is overwhelming. His face is one I can’t seem to ever say no to. When I look at him, I see me/us. I hope this time, he stays, and we do the damn thing, and do it right. Together. Only time will tell I suppose.

The title is the only part of this, that is funny to me…. a friend of mine and I joked about how quickly we can lose guys, she mentioned the movie “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days” – having  just gone through what I am about to tell you, I couldn’t help but laugh and respond with “I can do it in half that time!”  True story.

Before

There has always been something inside of me. Something that kept me going, something that, to me, was like an invisible backbone intertwined with faith and spirit. No matter how bad things ever got, or how depressed I ever was, that invisible force inside of me seemed to allow me to manage to carry on with my head held high. Even in my worst times of weakness, I was able to look at the sky, enjoy the sun, dance in the rain, because there was something inside of me that was pushing me to live, and love, and appreciate all that this life has to offer.

The Guy That Fell Out of Heaven

One day recently, this boy came along, dropped into my life unexpectedly and changed all sorts of things inside of me. This isn’t as much about him, as it is about myself. But I must say, he seemed to have been sent straight from Heaven. He was everything I ever wanted, or dreamed of – at least I thought so, based on his words and his actions. Everything he said and did, reinforced that invisible force inside of me. I was feeling justified in having kept my spirits up, for the most part, throughout all of the tragedy and torment that has found it’s way into my life. I felt vindicated. Happiness was finally mine. I had the entire world, that I had always dreamed of, in my grasp. I was falling in love. In what I thought, was true and honest love.

The Vanishing

On the 5th day of this story, I can’t even tell you what happened. There was very little conversation, it was awkward, distant… and then, he was gone. He removed himself from my life, just like that. Just that quick. As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared. I can’t go into the details of reliving that moment when I realized, he was out of my life, because I simply don’t want to relive it. I sat there with no sense of time in total shock. My jaw fell open, my heart hit the floor, and I just sat…. I kept waiting for it to not be real, for him to reappear, but I knew deep inside of me, that he wasn’t. I still don’t have an explanation, I couldn’t even ask for one.

The Brokenness

For the first time, that I remember, I hung my head. I didn’t cry. I actually laughed a little, because I couldn’t seem to force myself to see what was happening right in front of my face. All I knew was, I could not hold my head up anymore. I was tired, and it was heavy. I don’t mean to say this was my first broken heart, or that my heart is even broken. I am trying to put into words, not how this broke my heart, but how something inside of me other than my heart, for the first time ever, felt broken. Maybe not completely broken, but definitely cracked. That something inside of me, was bent, beaten, weak at so many points that it just gave out. Eventually yes, I cried. I cried because I was so easily deceived, I cried because the man I dreamed of doesn’t exist, I cried because I’d lost so much when I lost him – I lost the hope that I had. It wasn’t him that I had so much hope in, it was everything he had to offer. The chemistry between us. The comfortable friendship we shared. The laughter. I had so much hope for a happy future in all of those things, and with a swift shift of a key, he was gone and he took hope with him….

After

I don’t know what happens next. I can’t imagine feeling again…. When he fell into my life, I hated that I was feeling anything, because I knew that once those feelings got stirred up, there was a risk of hurt and pain being involved. I am not crushed. I am not defeated. I am not broken, damaged, or done. But then again, I feel like I am. The thought of hoping for the dream I had before causes nothing but for my head to hang, and a heaviness to creep into my heart and soul. Something happened inside of me. I lost more than just a guy in those 5 days.

Music always speaks to me, for me, through me… this song, this is so perfect in everyway for me, right now.

I ain’t even gonna to ask you
I can read you like a book
Girl if I ever saw one that’s an
I can’t believe I did that look
You look like something that the cat drug in
So I won’t kick you while you’re down
Just let me tell you friend to friend
‘Bout a block I’ve been around

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself ’cause you knew better
But there’s no use crying over spilled perfume

There’s a big difference between lonely
And lonely for way too long
And I knew when he made his move
You weren’t feeling all that strong
So I bit my tongue ’cause I saw it coming
As you danced so close to him
It’s two steps forward and three steps back
When a heart is on the mend

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself ’cause you knew better
But there’s no use crying over spilled perfume

You fell in a moment of weakness
Well you just got to pull yourself back up
Dry your morning-after tears
‘Cause what’s done is done

Did you really think last night would last forever
Did you really think that guy hung the moon
Right now you hate yourself ’cause you knew better
But there’s no use crying over spilled perfume

No use crying over, no use crying over
No use crying over, spilled perfumespi

This is me. Heather. Last week this photo was taken. Nothing special, I know. However, I also know that I’m not grossly disfigured, morbidly obese, or impossible to deal with. All in all, I think I’m a pretty decent person. I get alone with everyone. I’d do anything for my friends. When I love, I love with everything I am. I’m fun and witty, and… terribly co-dependent, depressed, and just flat out sad. Deep down inside, I’m sad.

All I have ever wanted in life is happiness. To love and be loved is, to me, happiness. But for me, it’s equivelant to “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”… that’s how it works out for me. Why? I don’t understand. I really don’t. I have worked hard to maintain friendships, remain loyal, uphold my family name, and be an all around decent person. And for what? Where is it getting me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere.

Everyday gets worse and worse. They say it gets worse before it gets better – well goddamn it, I’m ready for better. When does better get here? How long does “worse” hang around? I’m so fucking over it.

“Just being me” is never good enough. Not even for the LOSERS I’m attracted to. It’s disgusting. I’ve GOT to get my head on straight and figure out a way to live happy without needing or wanting someone else to help make it happen. I fucking hate “just me” right now. I hate the way I feel, because of the situatious and relationships I get MYSELF into. I’m done blaming anyone else. It’s me. Just me.

I believe love is….

• caring about what is best for someone, wanting what makes that person happy, without expecting anything in return.
• knowing the risk, and taking it.
• knowing that taking the risk could destroy you and shatter your heart in a million pieces, and taking it anyway.
• letting go of someone, knowing it will devastate your world.
• watching someone pursue what they want in life, what makes them happy, and genuinely wanting them to have that.
• not ever wanting to see that person hurt, no matter the cost to your own heart.
• smiling when you see the one you love, even if your heart is breaking.

…. in my world, anyway….

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley