Archive for February, 2010

So before I leave work for the weekend, just have to say….

Geaux Saints!!

Who Dat!? WE Dat!

(Just gotta say, I’m so fucking excited that the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I have avoided blogging about it, because I have been avoiding even thinking about it all week. I’m giddy with anticipation! I don’t know if I will be able to stand even watching the game – but I will. I believe!)

Can we just stop for a minute?

Just stop. Everything. I need a minute, just a minute, to cry my eyes out.

I’m so overwhelmed. Being a single parent is just really hard!  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t know it would be so hard. Everything is on my shoulders, and I would just like 60 seconds to myself, completely to myself, so I can cry from the bottom of my soul, and hopefully feel better. I don’t see that happening.

We finally got moved, now we are so unorganized. I have tried to organize things, but with our stuff in storage,  in my car, and in the new place I find myself easily overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, I kind of begin the turn inward and eventually end up feeling turned inside out. If that makes any sense.

Yesterday, we decided to go ahead and let Pixie, our kitten, outside for a little while. She stayed close at first, then… she disappeared. N and I both cried last night – I cried mostly because he was crying, because he was worried about his kitty, and he missed her. I cried, because I let my son down. It’s my job to keep him safe, and to keep our animals safe, and I made a bad judgement call and in turn, I broke my sons heart. I keep telling him she will come back, but I really don’t know if she will. And I don’t really know how to handle that? My throat is burning so bad right now from trying to hold the flood gates closed. I’m close to my breaking point. I think this is what’s bothering me the most – knowing that my son’s heart is broken, and trying to ignore the fact that mine is, too.

I was on a phone interview this morning with a state office, trying to get some assistance, when the woman on the phone abruptly let me know that she would be denying my application for assistance. I sat there, in my car, with tears streaming down my face (but not actually, actively “crying”) while I told her I understand, and thank you. But the truth of the matter is, I DO NOT understand. I don’t understand how I don’t qualify. I get that I am over the maximum income level – but really! They use gross income (fat lotta good that gross amount does me!), and they count child support as income. I don’t understand that, and I feel shunned and abandoned.

Is it normal to feel this overwhelmed? How in the world, and when, do things finally start to come together? Will it always be this difficult? I’m so ready for better days.

Pixie, please come home.