My life, it’s not a bad life. I have not had to endure but a few tragic incidents, not a lifetime of tragedy, or poverty, or abuse. Overall, it’s an average life – I’d even give it a C+. So then why do I, so often, find myself so overwhelmed, unsatisfied and depressed over my life? I’m trying, everyday, to sort this out in my head… and I wonder if it’s my abundantly obvious codependency issue that has me feeling like my life is less than good. Why do I feel like I need someone with me? I wonder, does everyone feel that way? Does anyone ever choose or want to take this journey through life alone? Without that special someone by their side to share the goodness of life with? Is it just me?

I don’t think it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I am just completely ridiculous. I mean, my divorce has almost been final for 1 year – I’ve still got time to find someone. It’s still early in the game, right? Why do I feel so rushed? Maybe it’s because I have always dreamed of having more children, and my 35th birthday is approaching in April. Maybe I should not worry about finding someone, or having another child, and enjoy the wonderful, talented, spectacular little boy that God has already given me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him, you see, it’s just that I still feel that something is missing. I don’t like feeling that. I don’t feel complete. I want to be complete. I want to wrap up everything & everyone that makes me happy under one roof, and get on with enjoying life together, making forever happy memories together.

Ah, me. I drive me crazy sometimes. Seriously.

It’s a new year, a new beginning, and I am making some changes. Change makes me nervous, to be quite honest. As of right now, I’m a bundle of nerves. Last year, N and I were able to finally move out of my mom’s house after my divorce was final, and into our very own apartment. The drawback – it is a small, one bedroom apartment, and the rent is a little on the high side for a place so small. But, we have loved it dearly. We have, together, found our independence and carved out our own little place in the world where we can just be us, mother & son. Now, I feel it’s time to move on…. we have outgrown our little apartment. N will be 8 in March, and while I have enjoyed every minute that he has spent snuggled up next to me in bed every night, I know it’s time for him to spread his wings and enjoy the comfort and freedom of having a room of his own – a space that’s all his. Don’t we all want that? I suppose I do, too.

We are planning to move February 1st. Rent is ridiculous right now around here, so we are going to have a roommate. I know her quite well, she gets along well with N, and she has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom sitting empty. It’s in the same town, maybe a mile or two from where we are now. Much more affordable. So, why does it make me so nervous? Maybe it’s the transition of going from being completely free and independent, to having a roommate. I’m not sure. But, at the same time I do look forward to what it will give back to N and to myself. We will both finally have our own space in the world to retreat to, a place to shut the door and spend some quiet time alone. I definitely need that.

Things could be so much worse. I hope that this year, I learn to live for today and be thankful for what I am surrounded by – I want to live in the moment, and be happy with where I am in my life. That’s my only resolution – to try to learn how to live in the moment, and be happy with it. Whatever it may be…

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