sick sick sick of it all

June 17th, 2009

I can’t seem to get it together. Why? What is wrong with me? Maybe I need medication. I definitely need medication. I am so completely miserable with my life right now it’s just ridiculous. I hate it. Everything about it. I hate that I trust people so easily who don’t think twice about telling my business. The one person in the whole world that I feel like I can trust right now is that stupid boy that’s had my head so F’d up the last 6 months…. but the bottom line is, he listens to me… and he doesn’t repeat what I say (or cry) about to anyone. Which only makes me love him more. And I can’t have him. And it’s killing me…

You see that chicken? That’s me. Held down. Can’t move forward. About to drown.

I hate hearing how great and wonderful and beautiful I am from someone I’d give my right arm to be with, only to have him be with someone else. That really fucks with my mind. I should move on,but I don’t know how? I fell for him. And I’m stubborn – I want what I want, and I have closed myself off to anyone else that might be interested. I don’t know how to get past this. And I think I would really like to… because I really would like a little happiness in my life….

And I’m afraid my job is in jeapordy. Which it probably is. And I don’t know what to do about that. I do everything I can to stay on top of things, but personal issues always come into play and as neutral as I TRY to stay, some bullshit always comes up. I’m not perfect, I know this… neither is anyone else that works there. But it’s easy to roast me since I’m “in charge”. And how the hell am I supposed to manage other people when I obviously can’t even manage myself?

I suck at life.

And I’m SO over it…

I am sick of crying. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while yes, I have some friends who are great and I know will last a lifetime, and would be there for me in a second if I called them… when it comes down to the ins and outs of my life, the day to day issues and drama… I don’t really have any friends. Except maybe him. And he breaks my heart every.single.day…. so how do I manage that?

The Other Woman

And to those friends that will read this and think “Omg why won’t she just call me? or answer my calls? so I can be there for her?” – I don’t really have an answer other than the simple fact that your life is SO different from mine right now, I wouldn’t even know where to begin…. please don’t take it personal.

And thank you.

I do NOT do Bullshit! (thedutchfiles.com)
7 Reasons You Won’t Want to Manage a Friend (usnews.com)

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4 Responses to “sick sick sick of it all”

Tracy:

June 19, 2009 at 5:33 pm

I will not take it personally but as your friend, I feel I should be able to be honest with you and hope that you will not be upset with me. I know you well enough to know that you are going to do what you want regardless of what anyone says, and that is okay too. You feel that this person is the only one that you can trust and you pour your heart out to him time and again…but anyone that allows you to do this and knows how you feel-and still continues to hurt you over and over again, is not trustworthy. If he was and he really gave a shit, he would not use your emotions for his gain. I know that I am not going through what you are right now, but it doesn’t mean I have not been there. It hurts. It fucking sucks. And you start to feel so anxious and hopeless- like 100 emotions coming at you at once…But it does get better. It will pass. You have to snap out of this and start enjoying life again. You finally got your own place, you have N…and you have friends that do love you. You can do this, I know you can.
Tracy:

June 19, 2009 at 5:34 pm

and yes, I am aware that that was a bunch of run on sentences lol.
The Girl:

June 19, 2009 at 5:50 pm

Thank you. I’m not upset. Everything you said makes perfect sense, I don’t understand how I can KNOW these things, and not “know” them – if that makes sense.
The Enemy:

June 29, 2009 at 11:45 am

How can u be so oblivious to the facts. He is a user! He only loves himself. He used her, and is still using her. She was your best friend (was). He is manipulative, self-righteous horrible man, the most horrible of all. A person does not say he/she loves someone, and treat them like crap in their face, and behind their back. If he “loves” someone, he loves “everyone”, he has certainly slept with “all” of them. And to think he ran for office, my word; talk about corrupt, this man is corrupt through and through.