Archive for June, 2009

I just saw this post and was immediately floored by how easily it was to see a reflection of me / my life in one of these brilliant photos. I’m convinced, every girl can see herself in one of these fallen princesses… which one speaks to you? For me – it’s Cinderella… and it’s kind of crazy how I never related to her before laying eyes on this image.  (( Listen while you Look ))

brilliant photography by dina goldstein.

I am really so glad that I attended the reunion for my high school Saturday night. I had so much fun. It was SO nice to step outside of my comfort zone and get away from all of the drama in my everyday life (most of which is not even mine), and have some real fun. It was great to catch up with so many old friends. 16 years since we graduated high school – wow. The best part though was that it wasn’t just a reunion for my class (there were only about 46 of is I think), but it was for a 10 year span of Alumni. So, I got to see people I was friends with that were older and younger, and that was a really neat experience.

Let’s stroll down memory lane for a second… the picture to the left is me, in 1993. The one on the right is me, 16 years later, at the reunion.

And all of the questions that I was dreading having to answer, as it turns out… so was everyone else! So it became a game between nearly everyone there, fabricating stories.. it was funny… and relieving, to say the least!

Tonight is my high school class reunion. I’m fucking terrified of going. Scared shitless, ya heard? I haven’t even started getting dressed yet. I have talked myself out of going (and back into going) at least a hundred times, just today! I don’t want to have the conversation that I KNOW is going to take place eight hundred times tonight….

long lost classmate: “So, what are you doing now?”

me: “oh, you know… not a lot. Living in the same podunk town, managing a cafe, trying to finish school, freshly divorced, being a single mom and renting a tiny one bedroom apartment. How about you?”

Blah! That sucks. Can I make shit up? I mean, if it’s someone I won’t see for another 15 years or so, can I totally falsify my life for them? I would be busted on the spot. I’m a terrible liar.

I’m hoping there will be someone there that maybe I didn’t know in school, or that might suddenly seem interesting. You know, somoene with a JOB. That’s always a plus. And with my taste in men, it’s definitely something I need to list as a requirement. You’d think it would be a given that someone would have a job, but the truth is that no, it’s certainly not.

Oh gosh. I am really nervous. I need to get in the shower. I’ve only got 3 hours to get ready!!! Sweet jesus. I’ll probably edit this and add to it before I leave… cause guess what? You are my new friend. Yes, you. I vow to tell you (yes, you) everything from here on out. I like the way you listen to me and keep your unsolicited advice to yourself

Yeah. I might be losing it. Blame it on the nerves. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

This is me. Heather. Last week this photo was taken. Nothing special, I know. However, I also know that I’m not grossly disfigured, morbidly obese, or impossible to deal with. All in all, I think I’m a pretty decent person. I get alone with everyone. I’d do anything for my friends. When I love, I love with everything I am. I’m fun and witty, and… terribly co-dependent, depressed, and just flat out sad. Deep down inside, I’m sad.

All I have ever wanted in life is happiness. To love and be loved is, to me, happiness. But for me, it’s equivelant to “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”… that’s how it works out for me. Why? I don’t understand. I really don’t. I have worked hard to maintain friendships, remain loyal, uphold my family name, and be an all around decent person. And for what? Where is it getting me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere.

Everyday gets worse and worse. They say it gets worse before it gets better – well goddamn it, I’m ready for better. When does better get here? How long does “worse” hang around? I’m so fucking over it.

“Just being me” is never good enough. Not even for the LOSERS I’m attracted to. It’s disgusting. I’ve GOT to get my head on straight and figure out a way to live happy without needing or wanting someone else to help make it happen. I fucking hate “just me” right now. I hate the way I feel, because of the situatious and relationships I get MYSELF into. I’m done blaming anyone else. It’s me. Just me.

I can’t seem to get it together. Why? What is wrong with me? Maybe I need medication. I definitely need medication. I am so completely miserable with my life right now it’s just ridiculous. I hate it. Everything about it. I hate that I trust people so easily who don’t think twice about telling my business. The one person in the whole world that I feel like I can trust right now is that stupid boy that’s had my head so F’d up the last 6 months…. but the bottom line is, he listens to me… and he doesn’t repeat what I say (or cry) about to anyone. Which only makes me love him more. And I can’t have him. And it’s killing me…

You see that chicken? That’s me. Held down. Can’t move forward. About to drown.

I hate hearing how great and wonderful and beautiful I am from someone I’d give my right arm to be with, only to have him be with someone else. That really fucks with my mind. I should move on,but I don’t know how? I fell for him. And I’m stubborn – I want what I want, and I have closed myself off to anyone else that might be interested. I don’t know how to get past this. And I think I would really like to… because I really would like a little happiness in my life….

And I’m afraid my job is in jeapordy. Which it probably is. And I don’t know what to do about that. I do everything I can to stay on top of things, but personal issues always come into play and as neutral as I TRY to stay, some bullshit always comes up. I’m not perfect, I know this… neither is anyone else that works there. But it’s easy to roast me since I’m “in charge”. And how the hell am I supposed to manage  other people when I obviously can’t even manage myself?

I suck at life.

And I’m SO over it…

I am sick of crying. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while yes, I have some friends who are great and I know will last a lifetime, and would be there for me in a second if I called them… when it comes down to the ins and outs of my life, the day to day issues and drama… I don’t really have any friends. Except maybe him. And he breaks my heart every.single.day…. so how do I manage that?

And to those friends that will read this and think “Omg why won’t she just call me? or answer my calls? so I can be there for her?” – I don’t really have an answer other than the simple fact that your life is SO different from mine right now, I wouldn’t even know where to begin…. please don’t take it personal.

And thank you.

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