Archive for June, 2009

I just saw this post and was immediately floored by how easily it was to see a reflection of me / my life in one of these brilliant photos. I’m convinced, every girl can see herself in one of these fallen princesses… which one speaks to you? For me – it’s Cinderella… and it’s kind of crazy how I never related to her before laying eyes on this image.  (( Listen while you Look ))

brilliant photography by dina goldstein.

I am really so glad that I attended the reunion for my high school Saturday night. I had so much fun. It was SO nice to step outside of my comfort zone and get away from all of the drama in my everyday life (most of which is not even mine), and have some real fun. It was great to catch up with so many old friends. 16 years since we graduated high school – wow. The best part though was that it wasn’t just a reunion for my class (there were only about 46 of is I think), but it was for a 10 year span of Alumni. So, I got to see people I was friends with that were older and younger, and that was a really neat experience.

Let’s stroll down memory lane for a second… the picture to the left is me, in 1993. The one on the right is me, 16 years later, at the reunion.

And all of the questions that I was dreading having to answer, as it turns out… so was everyone else! So it became a game between nearly everyone there, fabricating stories.. it was funny… and relieving, to say the least!

Tonight is my high school class reunion. I’m fucking terrified of going. Scared shitless, ya heard? I haven’t even started getting dressed yet. I have talked myself out of going (and back into going) at least a hundred times, just today! I don’t want to have the conversation that I KNOW is going to take place eight hundred times tonight….

long lost classmate: “So, what are you doing now?”

me: “oh, you know… not a lot. Living in the same podunk town, managing a cafe, trying to finish school, freshly divorced, being a single mom and renting a tiny one bedroom apartment. How about you?”

Blah! That sucks. Can I make shit up? I mean, if it’s someone I won’t see for another 15 years or so, can I totally falsify my life for them? I would be busted on the spot. I’m a terrible liar.

I’m hoping there will be someone there that maybe I didn’t know in school, or that might suddenly seem interesting. You know, somoene with a JOB. That’s always a plus. And with my taste in men, it’s definitely something I need to list as a requirement. You’d think it would be a given that someone would have a job, but the truth is that no, it’s certainly not.

Oh gosh. I am really nervous. I need to get in the shower. I’ve only got 3 hours to get ready!!! Sweet jesus. I’ll probably edit this and add to it before I leave… cause guess what? You are my new friend. Yes, you. I vow to tell you (yes, you) everything from here on out. I like the way you listen to me and keep your unsolicited advice to yourself

Yeah. I might be losing it. Blame it on the nerves. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

This is me. Heather. Last week this photo was taken. Nothing special, I know. However, I also know that I’m not grossly disfigured, morbidly obese, or impossible to deal with. All in all, I think I’m a pretty decent person. I get alone with everyone. I’d do anything for my friends. When I love, I love with everything I am. I’m fun and witty, and… terribly co-dependent, depressed, and just flat out sad. Deep down inside, I’m sad.

All I have ever wanted in life is happiness. To love and be loved is, to me, happiness. But for me, it’s equivelant to “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”… that’s how it works out for me. Why? I don’t understand. I really don’t. I have worked hard to maintain friendships, remain loyal, uphold my family name, and be an all around decent person. And for what? Where is it getting me? Nowhere. Fucking nowhere.

Everyday gets worse and worse. They say it gets worse before it gets better – well goddamn it, I’m ready for better. When does better get here? How long does “worse” hang around? I’m so fucking over it.

“Just being me” is never good enough. Not even for the LOSERS I’m attracted to. It’s disgusting. I’ve GOT to get my head on straight and figure out a way to live happy without needing or wanting someone else to help make it happen. I fucking hate “just me” right now. I hate the way I feel, because of the situatious and relationships I get MYSELF into. I’m done blaming anyone else. It’s me. Just me.