Yesterday, May 26th, was 6 years since my 2nd child was born an angel. We named him Elijah. I quietly thought about him many, many times yesterday – as I do everyday. Yesterday I missed him so much though. N had a baseball game, and all I could think of was that if he were here, he would be in T-Ball and N would be in his 1st year of coach pitch, and I would be one of those mom’s going back and forth in between fields to see both of my boys play. But that isn’t the case. I sat and watched my one, wonderful child, N, play baseball while my heart ached for the one that should be there playing also…..

I can’t think of Elijah and not think of the other baby I lost August 20th of 2007, either. While s/he wouldn’t be ready to play baseball yet, s/he should have been there in my lap, or in a stroller, watching his/her brothers play ball….

( It’s funny how the other moms around me that have a few children get frustrated with the children they are having to correct and keep an eye on while trying to watch the other child’s baseball game… I look around me, and it’s chaos…. and my heart breaks, because I am missing out on that. Meanwhile, not one person in that ball park knows of the turmoil and devastation going on inside of ME that comes just from watching them with their children. )

Then I open my email today and I have a babycenter email that says “Your Toddler This Week: 15 months, week 1″ – I did not realize that this child, whom we named Jamie, should already be 15 months old. I have blocked so much of that out, what happened, the time in between – all of it, because I wasn’t sure that I could cope with another loss of that magnitude.

Now I realize, had things gone right in those two pregnancies, I would have N who is 7, and Elijah who would be 5 1/2 (6 in November), and Jamie who would be 15 months. I would be the mother of three, instead of a mother of one.

My whole body aches for another child. My heart yearns daily to have another life growing inside of me. My arms desperately want to cradle a little brother or sister for N. And now, at this point in my life…  I’m newly divorced, and 34 years old… I’m not sure if that’s something that will EVER happen. And it’s heart wrenching.

2 Responses to “what should have been”