Archive for May, 2009

Yesterday, May 26th, was 6 years since my 2nd child was born an angel. We named him Elijah. I quietly thought about him many, many times yesterday – as I do everyday. Yesterday I missed him so much though. N had a baseball game, and all I could think of was that if he were here, he would be in T-Ball and N would be in his 1st year of coach pitch, and I would be one of those mom’s going back and forth in between fields to see both of my boys play. But that isn’t the case. I sat and watched my one, wonderful child, N, play baseball while my heart ached for the one that should be there playing also…..

I can’t think of Elijah and not think of the other baby I lost August 20th of 2007, either. While s/he wouldn’t be ready to play baseball yet, s/he should have been there in my lap, or in a stroller, watching his/her brothers play ball….

( It’s funny how the other moms around me that have a few children get frustrated with the children they are having to correct and keep an eye on while trying to watch the other child’s baseball game… I look around me, and it’s chaos…. and my heart breaks, because I am missing out on that. Meanwhile, not one person in that ball park knows of the turmoil and devastation going on inside of ME that comes just from watching them with their children. )

Then I open my email today and I have a babycenter email that says “Your Toddler This Week: 15 months, week 1″ – I did not realize that this child, whom we named Jamie, should already be 15 months old. I have blocked so much of that out, what happened, the time in between – all of it, because I wasn’t sure that I could cope with another loss of that magnitude.

Now I realize, had things gone right in those two pregnancies, I would have N who is 7, and Elijah who would be 5 1/2 (6 in November), and Jamie who would be 15 months. I would be the mother of three, instead of a mother of one.

My whole body aches for another child. My heart yearns daily to have another life growing inside of me. My arms desperately want to cradle a little brother or sister for N. And now, at this point in my life…  I’m newly divorced, and 34 years old… I’m not sure if that’s something that will EVER happen. And it’s heart wrenching.

I believe love is….

• caring about what is best for someone, wanting what makes that person happy, without expecting anything in return.
• knowing the risk, and taking it.
• knowing that taking the risk could destroy you and shatter your heart in a million pieces, and taking it anyway.
• letting go of someone, knowing it will devastate your world.
• watching someone pursue what they want in life, what makes them happy, and genuinely wanting them to have that.
• not ever wanting to see that person hurt, no matter the cost to your own heart.
• smiling when you see the one you love, even if your heart is breaking.

…. in my world, anyway….

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.

So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley

Go on and call me up
Tell me you made a grave mistake
You know I never once turned you away
Bad as I hate to say
I know how good it’s gonna be
Just for a night I lay you down by me
And you lie, like you won’t say goodbye
Like you do every time

Come here and kiss me and act like you miss me
Make me believe we’re together
Come here and hold me and baby control me
Touch me like you’ll be here forever
You never cut me deep enough to tell you “no”
Tell me you love me, It’ll hurt a lot worse when you go

I’m not what you want
No I’m not ever gonna be
More than someone you come to in need
And you lie, like you won’t say goodbye
Like you do every time

Come here and kiss me and act like you miss me
Make me believe we’re together
Come here and hold me and baby control me
Touch me like you’ll be here forever
You never cut me deep enough to tell you “no”
Tell me you love me, It’ll hurt a lot worse when you go

You never cut me deep enough to tell you “no”
So tell me you love me, It’ll hurt a lot worse when you go

Seriously. What in the piss is wrong with me?

I have never in my 34 years known someone that I just.can’t.say.no.to.

I can’t say no to him.

Why?

I already know, I fell for him. I feel it everytime I hear his voice, and everytime I see his face. But I have dealt with it and I am trying with all my might to move forward.

It doesn’t take much. A phone call. And I’m gone – hook, line and sinker.

He says “I want to see you”. And I fall all over again. Everytime.

I don’t want it to be that way, but I think the truth is – I really just want to be with him. We get along so well – we always did. We have fun together, we laugh a lot, and there’s a lot of passion there. It’s on fire, even still. I don’t mean that… I mean, the oomph that most relationships are missing. It’s there, and it’s sizzlin.

Oh God. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. Or am I trying to make an excuse for the fact that he just left my house? Son of a bitch!

I’m weak. I’m a weak, pathetic girl with stars in her eyes over some silly boy. Seriously. That’s not someone I ever thought I’d be.