N and I are finally in our own place. We are working out something of a routine, but we’re still adjusting. It’s very different just being him and I, but it’s already a huge improvement in our lives. I’m not sure how long we’ll stay in this place, it’s a very tiny one bedroom duplex. My sister is in the other side, so that’s nice. And it’s a s great neighborhood, on a dead end road. Very peaceful here – I like that. But we just don’t have room. I am hoping to qualify for some housing assistance, and then maybe we can afford something larger. Nothing too fancy, but 2 bedrooms would be nice! However, I’m grateful to have what we have now. So very grateful! I feel as if I’m finally able to grasp at the strands of sanity, and maybe even hold onto a few…

The only thing I hate is being single. I hate that I hate being single. What’s wrong with me? I want so badly to love this time in my life, and enjoy it, but I just do.not.do.single.well. And I really, really want to… I am trying very hard to focus on me and N and fill my time with things that we like, things that make us smile and laugh, with high hopes that I will rediscover myself and be the best mother that I can be to N…. I realize full and well that being single is the equivalent of being alone.. it’s just that i feel so alone… if that makes any sense.

I think I am single for a reason…. I’m not sure what that reason is exactly, but it feels like something good is in store for me and N… I just have to be patient, and wait for what’s right. You just don’t know how hard that is for me, because if I had it my way I’d run as fast as I could in the wrong direction with the first Mr. Wrong that made me laugh for a minute…

I need help. I may have mental issues.