Archive for April, 2009

Thirty-four years ago today, I was born.

Fuck.

34?

Really?

I don’t even know how that happened….

…off to have a few drinks and sing some bad karaoke.  If you’re lucky, I’ll forget to take pictures.

N and I are finally in our own place. We are working out something of a routine, but we’re still adjusting. It’s very different just being him and I, but it’s already a huge improvement in our lives. I’m not sure how long we’ll stay in this place, it’s a very tiny one bedroom duplex. My sister is in the other side, so that’s nice. And it’s a s great neighborhood, on a dead end road. Very peaceful here – I like that. But we just don’t have room. I am hoping to qualify for some housing assistance, and then maybe we can afford something larger. Nothing too fancy, but 2 bedrooms would be nice! However, I’m grateful to have what we have now. So very grateful! I feel as if I’m finally able to grasp at the strands of sanity, and maybe even hold onto a few…

The only thing I hate is being single. I hate that I hate being single. What’s wrong with me? I want so badly to love this time in my life, and enjoy it, but I just do.not.do.single.well. And I really, really want to… I am trying very hard to focus on me and N and fill my time with things that we like, things that make us smile and laugh, with high hopes that I will rediscover myself and be the best mother that I can be to N…. I realize full and well that being single is the equivalent of being alone.. it’s just that i feel so alone… if that makes any sense.

I think I am single for a reason…. I’m not sure what that reason is exactly, but it feels like something good is in store for me and N… I just have to be patient, and wait for what’s right. You just don’t know how hard that is for me, because if I had it my way I’d run as fast as I could in the wrong direction with the first Mr. Wrong that made me laugh for a minute…

I need help. I may have mental issues.

don’t call me and tell me you miss me every now and then.

don’t tell me you want to see me, when you can get away from her.

don’t tell me how much I mean to you.

don’t make me laugh.

don’t remind me how good it was.

don’t make me miss you.

just don’t.

(edited Saturday 04.04.09 7:30am to add:)

…because I’ll fall for it, everytime… just like I just did… and I’ll pretend that I’ve got it under control, and that I’ve got my head in the game this time, and my heart won’t be affected…. but that’s not the truth… not even close…

(… because I really did leave out in a cloud of taillights and dust… and I do think about it… )
Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It

where would we be today if I never drove that car away?

My boy, N just celebrated his 7th birthday. Hard to believe my baby is 7 years old… I can’t seem to get enough hugs and kisses in lately, because I know that it will come to an end all too soon… He’s such a good boy. And he sure does love his Mom I am very blessed.

It wasn’t a big party, like usual… it was my first “single mom” birthday party for him. I didn’t want it to show, I wanted everything to carry on as it always has, but that wasn’t the case. There were a few things that weren’t quite right – not what he/we are used to doing/having at his parties.

But, were survived it. We’re troopers! No thanks to his father, who said we would split the cost 50/50 for decorations, food, and gifts… then bailed out on me a week before N’s birthday. I had to postpone the party another week so I could get another paycheck to cover HIS half that he bailed on. Yeah, I was a little pissed.

But here’s the kicker… he said he would just have cake and ice cream for N at his house, and get him whatever he could afford to get him…. then 3 days before N’s party, he says to me “Why haven’t I gotten an invitaion to N’s birthday party?“

I’m sorry – WHAT?! Did I hear that correctly? Once I was able to compose myself after falling out in a fit of laughter I said, quite calmly… “Because you’re not fucking invited….“– I mean, was I wrong to NOT invite the selfish pig?

What kind of moron bails on a birthday party to have his own lame ass cake with his son, but then wants to swoop in and play a role in a party that *I ALONE* busted MY ass on! My ex-husband, that’s who. See why he’s my ex? Oh, just one of many, many reasons… dirtbag.

Then of course, in true ex-dirtbag fashion, he tried to sabatage the party by delivering N home just 45 minutes before the party was scheduled to start. That’s the closest I think I would have ever come to punching that sorry bastard in the face with everything I have, had he made my son miss his birthday party. I wanted to do it anyway. In a bad, badass kind of way!

Once all of that crappola drama he drags around with his Eeyore self ended, we were able to carry on with the party… it was small. No kids from his class came, which was a little disappointing for him I think, but his bestest friends showed up and that was all that mattered. And his WHOLE family (read: MY side of the family) was there. He was a happy kid, that had a great 7th birthday. He wasn’t even aware of all of his father’s antics, and I like to keep it that way.

He got his long awaited Nintendo DS, and I think he was pleased with it. And overall, aside from all of the chaos that I thought would destroy the whole party, it turned out quite well. N was happy, and really, what else matters?