Archive for December, 2008

I wonder if he gets to call on the weekend, or if he has to wait until there is a full week behind him. I have worried so much about him. It’s going to drive me crazy.

I don’t really know what else to say. I went out for a bit last night and ugh, the boys in this town are just so predictable. I need more out of this life. This is just not working for me, and I’m going through one of my “I just don’t want to talk” phases where I, literally, just don’t want to talk to anyone. About anything.

I set some goals for myself, for this month. I probably shouldn’t mention them in case I fail, because I do that quite often. But, here goes – they are minor, I like to start small.

• Let my nails grow (I’ve been a nail biter my entire life)
• Lose 10 lbs
• Work on my tan

My nails, on my right hand are growing like crazy…. my left hand appears to be stalled for some reason. I haven’t lost a pound. And my tan is coming along just fine, as you can see in this photo of me (irritated that text messages are blowing up my phone). Not the best photo, but it serves it’s purpose.

It’s Flickr Friday ’round these parts again. I found quite a few photographs to appreciate, but this one hit home with me. It really is all I want for Christmas.

I’m itching to redesign this site in a bad, bad way now… I’ve gone as far as to narrow my design choices down to 3 kits, all of which I already purchased. It’s not so much that I can’t decide which one to use, because the truth is that I like bits and pieces from each… it’s more so that I can’t quite figure out how I want the layout. So, I’ve been searching for inspiration and every time I think I find something that inspires me, I find something else completely opposite that inspires me just the same. Sometimes it’s sucks being so indecisive! Anyhow, here are the kits I have selected to use…

I don’t particularly have a favorite. I like that they all have black, though. I’m not sure what direction I will go with the design, I guess I will just see when I open all the files and start mixing it all up

I think I’m going to hit the town tomorrow night. I’m tired of being home and depressed. A couple people called tonight to see if I would come out, but I declined. One night, that’s it. I will not be a barfly. Not this week, anyway.

When we were at the church to see Santa this week, there was this couple in line ahead of us.. He placed his hand on the small of her back, and very gently, very subtly he nudged her in his direction. She instinctively followed his lead and moved in closer to him, and he very sweetly leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. It made something inside of me ache, and honestly, it made me want to cry.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting with my soon-to-be ex-husband at the mediator’s office to finish hashing out our divorce agreement so that we can get it signed, and filed. Then when January rolls around, there won’t be anything stopping the divorce from being finalized. It’s bittersweet.

My background music today,  Lisa Loeb – Falling In Love.

This Thankful Thursday, I’m thankful that my divorce is almost here, and almost over with. A year is a long time to wait. Especially when you have been ready to move on for SO long. I’m ready to see what life has to offer me after my divorce. Anxious, even. Excited, maybe. Definitely ready.

I think I am officially deconstructing. It’s day 3. You should know “of what” by now… Day 3 of him being gone, and of my 31 day blogging streak – if we’re all lucky. (Yeah, because what would you DO with your time if I didn’t blog?)

Today was a horrific day for those who live under the same roof as me. I was a complete and total bitch, I was pissed off at the world, and I couldn’t figure out WHY. And all I wanted to do was CRY. Finally my friend pointed out to me that I was SO pms’ing. She’s right. I just wasn’t paying attention, and it freaked me out a little that I was so over the top angry. I’m sure everything else just adds to it and makes it worse, but it’s nice to know it’s generating from somewhere real, and somewhere temporary

I’m at least starting to make somewhat of an effort to distract myself from the chaos in my life (or in my head)… I took N tonight to the local church to see Santa & Mrs. Claus and get a gift. We go every year, and every year we get there ON TIME and wait in line for over an hour. Someday, I’ll get there early….,

He never ceases to amaze me. He will tell me, and everyone else all about the things he wants for Christmas. But when he sees Santa, it’s a different story, and it’s my job to listen closely…. because he always, always tells Santa something that he hasn’t told ANYONE else that he wants for Christmas. This year, he told Santa he wanted some “Thumb War Maskes” (say it with me – maskess). I have no clue what that is, but I will be googling it shortly.

I tried to wait for the kid in the background to get out of the way, but you know what? I was so incredibly sick of the kids in line BEHIND us that I just wanted to get the F out of there. Seriously. You don’t even want me to begin to share with you the things that went through my mind about THAT family for the entire hour I was in line in front of them.

So, N got to pick his own gift and he picked a 100 piece Naruto puzzle. He has loved puzzles ever since I can remember, and he’s really good at them. I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom, he’s a puzzle puttin’ together FOOL!

So anyway, after the long day of PMS, being pissed off, and dealing with the inbred family behind me.. I got a daiquiri on the way home. What the hell. Drive thru daiquiri shops are a luxury of living in southern Louisiana, and I take advantage of them from time to time. When I got home, to my delight, my sister was mixing her own White Russians… and then decided to show me how well she bartends…. her “flare”….  (which is really quite funny at this very moment, considering she just shattered a glass on the countertop…)

So now, I’m just hanging with Donna (the one throwing around the vodka bottle above) and getting some strange comments from that one guy I posted about before… and at that time, I was sure I’d never go there again. But you know what? I went into that blind. I’m well aware of what the outcome would be should I choose to go there again, and the truth of the matter is… I could use the distraction. And I might go there again. Just because I can. Or maybe that’s the “russian” in me talking

And yeah, my theme song tonight… Lose My Head by Courtney Jaye

Day 2 – in many ways. Day 2 of my attempting to post everyday (again), and Day 2 that he’s gone. Today, I cried. I was overwhelmed and it was around the time that usually he calls me, or I call him and we dump on each other the problems of our day. I know, not a very constructive situation, but it works well for us. It keeps us sane. Today I was overwhelmed with so many things, feeling emotional about a lot of what is going on and on top of it all, Christmas which is quickly approaching. Not having a job right now just adds to the stress. I needed to talk to him today, and I couldn’t call him. I just put my head in my hands, and I cried. I miss him listening to me, and talking me through my emotional meltdowns. I miss the sound of his voice, and the way he makes me laugh when I don’t even want to smile. This is going to be rough for me. I wonder if it’s nearly as rough for him. I know it’s probably killing him being away from his girls. I just wonder, does me miss me too? I think he probably does. Probably not as dramatically as I do, but that’s because… well, I’m dramatic. He can be too, but I definitely have him beat.

I had to take what little money I have right now today and go hunt down some school uniform pants for my boy today. He is all of a sudden growing like a weed, and everything is getting too tight. His clothes always get too tight, right before they get too short. So… I know what’s coming. And if that’s not enough, I swear the kid must have 47 loose teeth in his head. I hope the Tooth Fairy can handle all of those teeth…

I just finished watching The Biggest Loser, and once again, I am inspired. Will I do anything about it? I don’t know. I always say I will, then I start something, then I don’t follow through. But the honest to God truth is, I am not happy with my body right now, and I really do want to do something about it. I just get overwhelmed so easily, and I don’t know where to start, and I get extremely discouraged when I don’t have instant results. Unrealistic, I know. That’s just me, though.

Have you heard the song “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton? I hadn’t heard it before today, but when I did – well, that’s about the time the tears started flowing. It’s a good song. It’s very me, and very fitting. At least for now. It’s my 2008 Holiday Theme Song. Officially.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPTZL3d3pEw]

I failed at my 30 posts in 30 days for November. I almost made it. Story of my life: almost. Too bad almost doesn’t count, eh? Oh well. I’ll try again cuz I’m no quitter I just got real busy, if you must know. Thanksgiving week, no school, all that jazz – it was a great week. I enjoyed spending time away from the computer and with my boy. And with Dennis before he left.

He left today, for 28 days. I feel so lost. I hate that I can’t pick up my phone and call him whenever I want. His name is never more than 3 last calls down in my cell phone, because we talk *all* the time. I feel like I am going through detox! He really is one of my best friends, and I tell him EVERYthing. Now, I will just blog about it.

And FYI, I think someone (you know who you are) is stalking my blog. Hope you’re having fun. I have nothing to hide. Seriously.

Today was a long, long day. We had Internet connection issues and everybody seemed to have their panties in a wad over it, and of course they all just assume, because I’m the geeky computer nerd of the family, that I KNOW what the problem is and can fix it, pronto. Whatever. I nearly lost all contact with reality over that silly incident… I am on an emotional overload.

My pending divorce is due to be finalized in January. I’m very much looking forward to being divorced, on one hand, but am disappointed that I didn’t make better choices and will BE divorced due to that. On top of my disappointment in the failure of my marriage, I’m anxious about the divorce. I always feel like there’s a snake in the grass waiting to strike at the last minute. If that even makes any sense. I just want it to be over with already, so I can move forward and stop stressing out over it. We do a good job, I think, of compromising and coming to rational conclusions when it comes to N, but sometimes we are both guilty of letting our emotions rule us, and this first Holiday season dealing with life as it is now is taking it’s toll – on me, at least.

Oh then there was some stupid girl next door drama (literally). The girl needs a heaping dose of reality, or maybe a 10 day stint in a psych ward. Something. But she certainly needs to step up off of my shit. I got no time for her drama.

So, after all the stress today, my sisters and I took N to a Christmas parade in Mississippi tonight. It was nice, and fun. A welcome end to a stressful day.

I wonder how Dennis is doing. I hope he’s okay. He can’t call for at least a week, but he promised he would call as soon as he could. I hope he does. I already can’t wait to hear his voice.

Oh, and P.S. – I am about to start redesigning this blog. I’m sick and tired of the way it looks, and have figured a few things out. I tried finding something affordable, but I think only I can do it like I want – I’m way too picky. I just have been too lazy to learn the code & structure of WordPress, but here I go… so, if it looks a little wonky (haha, that’s for you Steph) around here for a few days, or weeks… I don’t know what to tell you lol – be patient with me