Mr. Perfect is not so perfect. Suddenly. Are you surprised? I’m not. Not really. Disappointed, yes. But it was a slow revelation to me that his motives were (and still are) completely off base. I fell for the words that came out of his mouth, but thankfully, I did not fall for him. It’s hurtful to think he may not have meant the things he said, so I’ll just pretend that he DID mean them, and is just completely incapable of showing that he meant them - ha. How’s that for a skewed reality?

Anyway, I’ve chosen not to pursue anything with this fella. In the short month that I have been hanging out with him, I’ve been and done everything. I’ve carried him, and I just can’t do that. Yeah, I know, I’m a sucker. I should have SUCKER tattooed across my forehead. I just wanted to believe I guess. I don’t think he’s a bad person. I think he is in a bad place in his life right now, as am I, and it’s just not going to go anywhere and I have this gut feeling that it would just end really badly. I’d rather keep him as a friend, albiet a distant one, than end up hating his guts for something that never could have been. If that even makes sense.

I’m done with this. I’m not looking for a relationship, or even for companionship. Not right now. I’m obviously not emotionally stable enough to be involved with anyone. So, back to focusing on the things that really matter… my son, school, work, and getting our own place.

You know what though? I have a fear, an underlying fear that is on the verge of being a full blown panic, that I will always be alone. Sometimes, it grips me, and I cling onto any type of hope that might rear it’s head. I think that’s what happened here.

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