I’ve not posted in awhile, I know. I am not even sure how to say WHY I haven’t posted. I’ve sat, and I’ve stared at this screen thinking, If only I could find a place to start, I’m sure I could work it all out and make sense of it all… but then again, airing ALL of my dirty laundry is not something I’m a big fan of.

Since my last post, so many things have changed… yet everything seems to have remained the same. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m on a downward spiral, emotionally.. meanwhile, I’m going through the motions of life, and actually doing quite WELL at making things happen.

Simply put, I let a friendship, or what I thought was a friendship, cross the line. You could say I asked for it, maybe I did… maybe I am too trusting, too naive… or maybe he planned it. I’m beginning to think the latter. Anyhow as you can imagine, it’s not turned out very well, and it’s really taken a toll on me emotionally. I’m writing about it, as briefly as possible, in an attempt to put it behind me.

Other than that, work has just been a killer on my emotional stability. Last week was one of the worst I’ve had since I started this job. So many bad, awful things happened - things that threw me into a typhoon of questions about my own life and my own self. I’ve been putting a lot of things into perspective, and for me, that’s like an emotional train wreck.

I probably am not making sense, and right now I just don’t know if I even care. I just need to get these random, unorganized thoughts OUT of my system so I can focus on other things.

I’m angry that “that guy” chose me, sought me out, and ended up making me feel like a pile of dogshit. Of course, he only made me feel that way because I ALLOWED it, so I totally own up to my part in the grand scheme of things. It’s easy to see now, though, how it was premeditated on his part. I never saw it coming.

Why is it so hard to find someone to be happy with? I’m not looking for happily-ever-after, not right now anyway. I’m looking for someone who is:

• fun
• funny
• witty
• charismatic
• spontaneous
• a Saints fan!

Is that too much to ask? I’m not asking for income requirements, or references, or even for anyone to be stable or responsible at this point. I’m not looking for anyone to be the family man - I’m looking for someone for ME, for NOW. Or maybe I’m not looking anymore. I haven’t decided yet. My emotions are all over the place, and I go from being hurt and crying, to being happy and having a F it attitude.

Sorry for such a downer of a post. Maybe I can move past this after pounding it out on the keyboard, as vague as it may be.

I’m headed to spend the evening with my sister, and I’m very excited. We had a falling out, and haven’t spoken or seen each other in months. I hope it goes well. I have certainly missed her. And you know, nobody knows you like your siblings… she’s easy to talk to, and always has done a great job of reminding me of who I am and what I’m all about during times like these, when I can’t seem to remember…

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