Special thanks to Kori over at See Kori Rant for writing a letter to her 18 year old self, which is where I first saw this idea. My letter isn’t nearly as articulate, but it says what needs to be said. I suppose… Writing this has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride! (and we’ve already established, that I don’t even like roller coasters)

Dear Heather in 1993,

Look at you! Eighteen, pretty, graduating, and in love. I hate to be the ball buster here, but it’s not going to be sunshine and roses like you are expecting. I sit here, 33 years old, and wonder what I should say to you, my 18 year old self… is there anything really worth saying? Would anything change? Probably not, because if I know me (and I do, quite well) I am just as stubborn and hard headed now as I was then. So, I will not write this letter to try to persuade you, my naive little 18 year old self, to do anything differently, but instead to give you some perspective and insight on some things that are going to change your life and help to shape the character of the 33 year old woman that sits here today.

That was kind of a mouthful of a first paragraph, wasn’t it? You should be used to it… you know how you get when you start going off about something – THAT never changes. Some things will be consistent. You will, through the years, lose sight of who you are but you will always have you, the core of you, right there under the surface – probably just taking a break.

Ok, I will stop being so vague now.

The boy that you love and adore and plan to spend the rest of your life with, you know the one – you’ve already got plans to move in with him. That boy is going to break your heart like nothing you have ever imagined. The boy who is your whole world, your very best friend, will turn his back on you once he has shattered your hope in everything good without a second glance over his shoulder. Trust me when I tell you, this will send you into the deepest pits of despair that you will experience in this life, only to be revisited later by even more tragic events that will occur.

His life will move on, and once you are able to pick yourself up off of the ground, you will become the most codependent person you’ll ever meet. You will depend on alcohol and drugs to survive. You will find yourself in some very sticky situations, and you will have very little regard for your own safety or survival. Be careful. There ARE good things in your life that are yet to come. You know this though, so you are always careful.. not on purpose, but you know when to stop pushing. You’re in this for the long haul, no matter how much you’d like to think you would rather be dead.

You will spend the better part of the next 10 years of your life intensely hating that boy, not ever recalling one single good thing about him. Not having a clue as to why you loved him like you did, or why he was able to rip the rug out from under you like he did. Yet, you will still be suffering from the situation emotionally…

Eventually, you will decide that you have to leave. You’ll be at a crossroads, and you’ll know deep down in your soul that it’s either leave this place, or die. I’m glad you chose to leave. Leaving is okay. You are going to meet a lot of new people, most of whom won’t matter too much later on, but several that will become some of the best friends you’ve ever had. They will not know the role they play in helping to pull you out of that pit of despair, because from the moment you arrive in this new place, you put on a new face. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. “Fake it till ya make it” really means something to you, and you’re good at it. Not at being fake, but at being who you want to be until it happens. You did it then, and I do it now.

You’ll also meet someone new, and you’ll give every single bit of your heart and soul to him. He won’t devastate you right away, at least not as quickly and abruptly as the last one did. He will spend years doing that, and it will lead straight to the chair I sit in today in a life that I am incessantly trying to weed him out of. Looking back from where I am now, it would be easy to say that it wasn’t love, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I’m not real sure what it was, but what I felt, what you will feel, is real. You will devote yourself to this man like you never dreamt you would devote yourself to anyone. He will continually betray you, and be mean and careless. Each time he does, you know you love him a little less. One day, it just goes away. You do walk away with the good, though. The best part of that relationship, I am looking at right now, sleeping in the bed across the room. The best thing that ever happens to you. So, don’t let the fear of another heartbreak get in your way. It doesn’t even really feel like heartbreak compared to what you have already been through.

Once you decide that relationship is over, magically and mysteriously, that boyfriend you’re so in love with right now will reappear in your life. You will have your day, honey. Trust me. You will get to tell him in very descriptive details how he ripped your heart out and changed who you are forever. You will. And it will be very healing. He will be responsive, and regretful. Everything good, and fun, and all of the amazing memories you made with him will come flooding back to you…  You’ll find love with him again. But this time, you’ll screw it up. I wish you wouldn’t, I wish I hadn’t, but it happens. The good news is, as far as I know, you will remain the closest of friends, always loving each other just a little bit more (ok that’s a damn lie – it’s a whole lot more) than any “friend” should.

Let me just say that even now, today, as I sit here and type this letter to you… You, I, still love him. I am still in love with him. I would still choose HIM. So, don’t let anyone tell you your love for him isn’t real, and don’t let them undermine the pain you feel when he deserts you. It’s very real. It’s very paralyzing, and it’s just part of who you are. He is part of who you are, and it looks like he always will be.

Don’t stress out too much over your relationship with Randy. It was always an uphill battle, and unfortunately, it will never be worth your while. Just play your cards right, and survive it. Because you will. And your relationship, or lack thereof, with him will reinforce a strength in you that you didn’t know you had.

Spend more time with all of your grandparents. Trust me on this one. You will be glad you did. I wish you would take more pictures with them, and of them, too. When Paw Bill is in the hospital, and you are tired and have not slept for nearly 48 hours but feel the urgent need to be by his side, go back to the hospital. You will never regret this decision. Go back, and stay. Do everything your gut tells you when it comes to that night. Say to him the hardest words that will ever come out of your mouth. It will bring you so much peace later on.

Listen more than you talk, if you can. I know it’s a tough one, but it’s a good quality to have. Try it on for size sometimes.

Don’t dwell too much on your losses. You do a pretty good job of that. Just always remember that everything is part of a bigger plan, and no matter how much it might hurt, or how badly you want to just die with the pain, God always has a reason for the things that happen. It’s not up to you to know or figure out his reasoning, nor is it to question. Just trust. This is the only way you will be able to lay claim to your sanity. On a very sad, heart wrenching day in May of 2003, you will know exactly what I mean. When L and her husband come to visit, you will know it’s close. You WILL live through this, twice, even though you won’t want to. You have to. You will become a better person. A stronger person.

Don’t forget, through all the turmoil in your life, that your family loves you. You can trust that they will never say it, that just isn’t going to happen. But when you are at your lowest, look around for a minute to see who is there…

I know, it sounds all dreary and miserable. I must be having “one of those days”… but trust me, it’s not all that bad. There is much fun to be had in your future, go have it. Laugh the way you love to laugh, with your whole self. Don’t hold that in when you have the opportunity to let it out. You deserve it.

That sister you found out you had when you were 15? You get to meet her, and even get to know her a little. Try to keep in touch. You looked for her and wanted her in your life for so long, don’t let her out of your life so easily. You will miss her, even though you don’t know her that well.

Later on this year (precisely Dec 24,1993 at 8:02 a.m.) a baby will be born that you will bond instantly with, and forever be connected to. Keep in touch with her when the two of you are separated. Once you lay eyes on her, you won’t be able to imagine a day in your life without her, but ultimately that’s exactly how it will be. You will always love her, and even though you won’t know it for a long time, she will always love you dearly. Watching her grow, and blossom, and being there for her is an amazing thing you don’t want to miss out on. I have missed too much, and I regret that very much. She’s a special one. I think we’ll always have a special bond. Today she is 14, and it’s so, so nice to be in touch with her. Hold onto all those memories you’ll share with her in the first years of her life, she will be so grateful you did.

Things turn out okay, I think. I can’t really say, because I’m not at the end yet. Today I am a proud mom, I have a decent job, and I’ve recently enrolled in school. I wish I’d gotten the school part behind me – I know, you don’t think it’s important now because you THINK you know how your life is going to be, but if you weren’t so defiant you’d keep your ass in college. Things might be a bit easier today if that’d been the case. But, you won’t. And that’s okay too, because with it comes a lesson learned.

I Love You, 18 Year Old Heather.

Love,

33 Year Old Heather

P.S. – When you decide to get a tattoo of the name of that guy you meet when you move away as a Valentine’s Day Present for him, remember it’s on you. And please know that today, I hate it. It’s a really bad idea. No matter what he says.

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