Archive for September, 2008

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• The Chai Story: The Chai Story

Special thanks to Kori over at See Kori Rant for writing a letter to her 18 year old self, which is where I first saw this idea. My letter isn’t nearly as articulate, but it says what needs to be said. I suppose… Writing this has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride! (and we’ve already established, that I don’t even like roller coasters)

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Dear Heather in 1993,

Look at you! Eighteen, pretty, graduating, and in love. I hate to be the ball buster here, but it’s not going to be sunshine and roses like you are expecting. I sit here, 33 years old, and wonder what I should say to you, my 18 year old self… is there anything really worth saying? Would anything change? Probably not, because if I know me (and I do, quite well) I am just as stubborn and hard headed now as I was then. So, I will not write this letter to try to persuade you, my naive little 18 year old self, to do anything differently, but instead to give you some perspective and insight on some things that are going to change your life and help to shape the character of the 33 year old woman that sits here today.

That was kind of a mouthful of a first paragraph, wasn’t it? You should be used to it… you know how you get when you start going off about something – THAT never changes. Some things will be consistent. You will, through the years, lose sight of who you are but you will always have you, the core of you, right there under the surface – probably just taking a break.

Ok, I will stop being so vague now.

The boy that you love and adore and plan to spend the rest of your life with, you know the one – you’ve already got plans to move in with him. That boy is going to break your heart like nothing you have ever imagined. The boy who is your whole world, your very best friend, will turn his back on you once he has shattered your hope in everything good without a second glance over his shoulder. Trust me when I tell you, this will send you into the deepest pits of despair that you will experience in this life, only to be revisited later by even more tragic events that will occur.

His life will move on, and once you are able to pick yourself up off of the ground, you will become the most codependent person you’ll ever meet. You will depend on alcohol and drugs to survive. You will find yourself in some very sticky situations, and you will have very little regard for your own safety or survival. Be careful. There ARE good things in your life that are yet to come. You know this though, so you are always careful.. not on purpose, but you know when to stop pushing. You’re in this for the long haul, no matter how much you’d like to think you would rather be dead.

You will spend the better part of the next 10 years of your life intensely hating that boy, not ever recalling one single good thing about him. Not having a clue as to why you loved him like you did, or why he was able to rip the rug out from under you like he did. Yet, you will still be suffering from the situation emotionally…

Eventually, you will decide that you have to leave. You’ll be at a crossroads, and you’ll know deep down in your soul that it’s either leave this place, or die. I’m glad you chose to leave. Leaving is okay. You are going to meet a lot of new people, most of whom won’t matter too much later on, but several that will become some of the best friends you’ve ever had. They will not know the role they play in helping to pull you out of that pit of despair, because from the moment you arrive in this new place, you put on a new face. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. “Fake it till ya make it” really means something to you, and you’re good at it. Not at being fake, but at being who you want to be until it happens. You did it then, and I do it now.

You’ll also meet someone new, and you’ll give every single bit of your heart and soul to him. He won’t devastate you right away, at least not as quickly and abruptly as the last one did. He will spend years doing that, and it will lead straight to the chair I sit in today in a life that I am incessantly trying to weed him out of. Looking back from where I am now, it would be easy to say that it wasn’t love, but I’m not sure that’s the case. I’m not real sure what it was, but what I felt, what you will feel, is real. You will devote yourself to this man like you never dreamt you would devote yourself to anyone. He will continually betray you, and be mean and careless. Each time he does, you know you love him a little less. One day, it just goes away. You do walk away with the good, though. The best part of that relationship, I am looking at right now, sleeping in the bed across the room. The best thing that ever happens to you. So, don’t let the fear of another heartbreak get in your way. It doesn’t even really feel like heartbreak compared to what you have already been through.

Once you decide that relationship is over, magically and mysteriously, that boyfriend you’re so in love with right now will reappear in your life. You will have your day, honey. Trust me. You will get to tell him in very descriptive details how he ripped your heart out and changed who you are forever. You will. And it will be very healing. He will be responsive, and regretful. Everything good, and fun, and all of the amazing memories you made with him will come flooding back to you…  You’ll find love with him again. But this time, you’ll screw it up. I wish you wouldn’t, I wish I hadn’t, but it happens. The good news is, as far as I know, you will remain the closest of friends, always loving each other just a little bit more (ok that’s a damn lie – it’s a whole lot more) than any “friend” should.

Let me just say that even now, today, as I sit here and type this letter to you… You, I, still love him. I am still in love with him. I would still choose HIM. So, don’t let anyone tell you your love for him isn’t real, and don’t let them undermine the pain you feel when he deserts you. It’s very real. It’s very paralyzing, and it’s just part of who you are. He is part of who you are, and it looks like he always will be.

Don’t stress out too much over your relationship with Randy. It was always an uphill battle, and unfortunately, it will never be worth your while. Just play your cards right, and survive it. Because you will. And your relationship, or lack thereof, with him will reinforce a strength in you that you didn’t know you had.

Spend more time with all of your grandparents. Trust me on this one. You will be glad you did. I wish you would take more pictures with them, and of them, too. When Paw Bill is in the hospital, and you are tired and have not slept for nearly 48 hours but feel the urgent need to be by his side, go back to the hospital. You will never regret this decision. Go back, and stay. Do everything your gut tells you when it comes to that night. Say to him the hardest words that will ever come out of your mouth. It will bring you so much peace later on.

Listen more than you talk, if you can. I know it’s a tough one, but it’s a good quality to have. Try it on for size sometimes.

Don’t dwell too much on your losses. You do a pretty good job of that. Just always remember that everything is part of a bigger plan, and no matter how much it might hurt, or how badly you want to just die with the pain, God always has a reason for the things that happen. It’s not up to you to know or figure out his reasoning, nor is it to question. Just trust. This is the only way you will be able to lay claim to your sanity. On a very sad, heart wrenching day in May of 2003, you will know exactly what I mean. When L and her husband come to visit, you will know it’s close. You WILL live through this, twice, even though you won’t want to. You have to. You will become a better person. A stronger person.

Don’t forget, through all the turmoil in your life, that your family loves you. You can trust that they will never say it, that just isn’t going to happen. But when you are at your lowest, look around for a minute to see who is there…

I know, it sounds all dreary and miserable. I must be having “one of those days”… but trust me, it’s not all that bad. There is much fun to be had in your future, go have it. Laugh the way you love to laugh, with your whole self. Don’t hold that in when you have the opportunity to let it out. You deserve it.

That sister you found out you had when you were 15? You get to meet her, and even get to know her a little. Try to keep in touch. You looked for her and wanted her in your life for so long, don’t let her out of your life so easily. You will miss her, even though you don’t know her that well.

Later on this year (precisely Dec 24,1993 at 8:02 a.m.) a baby will be born that you will bond instantly with, and forever be connected to. Keep in touch with her when the two of you are separated. Once you lay eyes on her, you won’t be able to imagine a day in your life without her, but ultimately that’s exactly how it will be. You will always love her, and even though you won’t know it for a long time, she will always love you dearly. Watching her grow, and blossom, and being there for her is an amazing thing you don’t want to miss out on. I have missed too much, and I regret that very much. She’s a special one. I think we’ll always have a special bond. Today she is 14, and it’s so, so nice to be in touch with her. Hold onto all those memories you’ll share with her in the first years of her life, she will be so grateful you did.

Things turn out okay, I think. I can’t really say, because I’m not at the end yet. Today I am a proud mom, I have a decent job, and I’ve recently enrolled in school. I wish I’d gotten the school part behind me – I know, you don’t think it’s important now because you THINK you know how your life is going to be, but if you weren’t so defiant you’d keep your ass in college. Things might be a bit easier today if that’d been the case. But, you won’t. And that’s okay too, because with it comes a lesson learned.

I Love You, 18 Year Old Heather.

Love,

33 Year Old Heather

P.S. – When you decide to get a tattoo of the name of that guy you meet when you move away as a Valentine’s Day Present for him, remember it’s on you. And please know that today, I hate it. It’s a really bad idea. No matter what he says.

My visit with my sister was amazing! For a long while, we danced around the issues at hand and just caught up on what is going on in each others lives… It was so nice, and so easy to fall right back into that sisterly place of complete trust. I found myself just pouring things out to her that I hadn’t felt comfortable talking about to anyone else, and she was doing the same. We talked so much, it’s a wonder we even heard each other over our own voices. Eventually, we both dove in feet first and addressed our little spat months ago and as it turns out, it was a misunderstanding that just got out of hand. It feels so good to have put that behind us. It never ceases to amaze me at how easy it is for me to forgive my sisters. Of course, that’s probably because I am always the one trying to keep the peace… or as my middle sister put it, I’m “neutral ground”. My other, baby sister, is coming home in October, and I’m really hoping they can work on their relationship with each other… It does my soul good to be with both of them, and I miss that terribly. We always have such a good time  together, even if it’s just sitting on the porch… probably because all three of us are equally witty and sarcastic – believe me, there is never a dull moment when all three of us are together. We could take our act on the road lol (okay, not really – but it is quite a riot).

As for the rest of my  life – blah. I am so over it. I am ready for things to happen, and pissed off that I have to be patient and make those things happen. You know, that they won’t JUST HAPPEN. I realize full well that’s an unrealistic expectation, but hell, we can still dream can’t we?

My job. I do love my job, and I love the people at my job. However, I’m slowly beginning to realize that this job isn’t really the place for someone like me. Someone who wants to move out of her mother’s house, be independent, self-reliant, and have everything taken care of. No, this job is for someone who is in college, or fresh out of high school, who just needs a job. It’s been good to me, seeing as it’s my first “real job” in about 8 years, and for that I’m grateful. However, with the whole struggle of being switched from PRN to Full-time and the slap in the face that this would cost me an average of $3.00 per hour, I have already made the decision that this is not where I need to be, and I have to look elsewhere.

No sooner than I realized this, and discussed it with my dear friend S, she goes to work the very next day and discovers a brand new job posting. A job posting that very descriptively is exactly ME. Coincidence? I’m not sure. I’m thinking not. I will spend this weekend  making my resume shine so that I can apply for the job, and hopefully get it. It would do me well to do something I know I would love, get paid a salary, AND have benefits. I might actually start to feel all grown up and stuff. Oh, and it helps too that the job is Monday – Friday. Keep your fingers crossed for me on this one. This could be the one to help me make even bigger things happen in our lives.

As for school, I’ve gotten the first two courses and have taken one exam so far. I try to study at work, but this job is so demanding that it’s few and far between that I get to squeeze in a couple of chapters. I’m almost finished with the second lesson, and hopefully I can squeeze in that exam tonight at work. Although, with it being Friday night, and considering that I work in an Emergency Room, I  kind of doubt it. Maybe this weekend… I really want to get school behind me as soon as possible.

Another reason, one I haven’t mentioned, that I would really like this new job is that I just really miss N so much. His dad has really stepped up to the plate, and now keeps him on Wed, Thurs & Fri nights while I work. This, however, has left me feeling inadequate and unavailable. I don’t like it one bit. I don’t feel like this job is doing any GOOD as far as my relationship with my kid, but I am aware that I can’t just NOT work. So, I’m really hoping that this new job opening is meant for me.

P.S. – Holy F!! I just realized, I totally missed the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy. Damn this job! Damn it to hell! I guess I will watch it online this weekend, since N is with his dad.

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I’ve not posted in awhile, I know. I am not even sure how to say WHY I haven’t posted. I’ve sat, and I’ve stared at this screen thinking, If only I could find a place to start, I’m sure I could work it all out and make sense of it all… but then again, airing ALL of my dirty laundry is not something I’m a big fan of.

Since my last post, so many things have changed… yet everything seems to have remained the same. Nothing makes sense. I feel like I’m on a downward spiral, emotionally.. meanwhile, I’m going through the motions of life, and actually doing quite WELL at making things happen.

Simply put, I let a friendship, or what I thought was a friendship, cross the line. You could say I asked for it, maybe I did… maybe I am too trusting, too naive… or maybe he planned it. I’m beginning to think the latter. Anyhow as you can imagine, it’s not turned out very well, and it’s really taken a toll on me emotionally. I’m writing about it, as briefly as possible, in an attempt to put it behind me.

Other than that, work has just been a killer on my emotional stability. Last week was one of the worst I’ve had since I started this job. So many bad, awful things happened – things that threw me into a typhoon of questions about my own life and my own self. I’ve been putting a lot of things into perspective, and for me, that’s like an emotional train wreck.

I probably am not making sense, and right now I just don’t know if I even care. I just need to get these random, unorganized thoughts OUT of my system so I can focus on other things.

I’m angry that “that guy” chose me, sought me out, and ended up making me feel like a pile of dogshit. Of course, he only made me feel that way because I ALLOWED it, so I totally own up to my part in the grand scheme of things. It’s easy to see now, though, how it was premeditated on his part. I never saw it coming.

Why is it so hard to find someone to be happy with? I’m not looking for happily-ever-after, not right now anyway. I’m looking for someone who is:

• fun
• funny
• witty
• charismatic
• spontaneous
• a Saints fan!

Is that too much to ask? I’m not asking for income requirements, or references, or even for anyone to be stable or responsible at this point. I’m not looking for anyone to be the family man – I’m looking for someone for ME, for NOW. Or maybe I’m not looking anymore. I haven’t decided yet. My emotions are all over the place, and I go from being hurt and crying, to being happy and having a F it attitude.

Sorry for such a downer of a post. Maybe I can move past this after pounding it out on the keyboard, as vague as it may be.

I’m headed to spend the evening with my sister, and I’m very excited. We had a falling out, and haven’t spoken or seen each other in months. I hope it goes well. I have certainly missed her. And you know, nobody knows you like your siblings… she’s easy to talk to, and always has done a great job of reminding me of who I am and what I’m all about during times like these, when I can’t seem to remember…

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