Superbowl is Sunday ~ Who Dat?!
By The Girl | February 5, 2010
So before I leave work for the weekend, just have to say….
Geaux Saints!!
Who Dat!? WE Dat!
(Just gotta say, I’m so fucking excited that the Saints are going to the Superbowl! I have avoided blogging about it, because I have been avoiding even thinking about it all week. I’m giddy with anticipation! I don’t know if I will be able to stand even watching the game – but I will. I believe!)
Topics: Day to Day | No Comments »
overwhelmed
By The Girl | February 3, 2010
Can we just stop for a minute?
Just stop. Everything. I need a minute, just a minute, to cry my eyes out.
I’m so overwhelmed. Being a single parent is just really hard! I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t know it would be so hard. Everything is on my shoulders, and I would just like 60 seconds to myself, completely to myself, so I can cry from the bottom of my soul, and hopefully feel better. I don’t see that happening.
We finally got moved, now we are so unorganized. I have tried to organize things, but with our stuff in storage, in my car, and in the new place I find myself easily overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed, I kind of begin the turn inward and eventually end up feeling turned inside out. If that makes any sense.
Yesterday, we decided to go ahead and let Pixie, our kitten, outside for a little while. She stayed close at first, then… she disappeared. N and I both cried last night – I cried mostly because he was crying, because he was worried about his kitty, and he missed her. I cried, because I let my son down. It’s my job to keep him safe, and to keep our animals safe, and I made a bad judgement call and in turn, I broke my sons heart. I keep telling him she will come back, but I really don’t know if she will. And I don’t really know how to handle that? My throat is burning so bad right now from trying to hold the flood gates closed. I’m close to my breaking point. I think this is what’s bothering me the most – knowing that my son’s heart is broken, and trying to ignore the fact that mine is, too.
I was on a phone interview this morning with a state office, trying to get some assistance, when the woman on the phone abruptly let me know that she would be denying my application for assistance. I sat there, in my car, with tears streaming down my face (but not actually, actively “crying”) while I told her I understand, and thank you. But the truth of the matter is, I DO NOT understand. I don’t understand how I don’t qualify. I get that I am over the maximum income level – but really! They use gross income (fat lotta good that gross amount does me!), and they count child support as income. I don’t understand that, and I feel shunned and abandoned.
Is it normal to feel this overwhelmed? How in the world, and when, do things finally start to come together? Will it always be this difficult? I’m so ready for better days.
Pixie, please come home.
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delurk!
By The Girl | January 14, 2010
I don’t write a whole lot, not as often as I’d like and certainly not with any regularity, so it’s understandable that I don’ t get a lot of comments. But I often wonder, who reads this crap? Does anyone read my blog? Today is National Delurking Day – so if you’re here, and you read these ramblings of mine, why not leave a comment? You know you want to.
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living in the moment
By The Girl | January 7, 2010
My life, it’s not a bad life. I have not had to endure but a few tragic incidents, not a lifetime of tragedy, or poverty, or abuse. Overall, it’s an average life – I’d even give it a C+. So then why do I, so often, find myself so overwhelmed, unsatisfied and depressed over my life? I’m trying, everyday, to sort this out in my head… and I wonder if it’s my abundantly obvious codependency issue that has me feeling like my life is less than good. Why do I feel like I need someone with me? I wonder, does everyone feel that way? Does anyone ever choose or want to take this journey through life alone? Without that special someone by their side to share the goodness of life with? Is it just me?
I don’t think it is just me, but sometimes I feel like I am just completely ridiculous. I mean, my divorce has almost been final for 1 year – I’ve still got time to find someone. It’s still early in the game, right? Why do I feel so rushed? Maybe it’s because I have always dreamed of having more children, and my 35th birthday is approaching in April. Maybe I should not worry about finding someone, or having another child, and enjoy the wonderful, talented, spectacular little boy that God has already given me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy him, you see, it’s just that I still feel that something is missing. I don’t like feeling that. I don’t feel complete. I want to be complete. I want to wrap up everything & everyone that makes me happy under one roof, and get on with enjoying life together, making forever happy memories together.
Ah, me. I drive me crazy sometimes. Seriously.
It’s a new year, a new beginning, and I am making some changes. Change makes me nervous, to be quite honest. As of right now, I’m a bundle of nerves. Last year, N and I were able to finally move out of my mom’s house after my divorce was final, and into our very own apartment. The drawback – it is a small, one bedroom apartment, and the rent is a little on the high side for a place so small. But, we have loved it dearly. We have, together, found our independence and carved out our own little place in the world where we can just be us, mother & son. Now, I feel it’s time to move on…. we have outgrown our little apartment. N will be 8 in March, and while I have enjoyed every minute that he has spent snuggled up next to me in bed every night, I know it’s time for him to spread his wings and enjoy the comfort and freedom of having a room of his own – a space that’s all his. Don’t we all want that? I suppose I do, too.
We are planning to move February 1st. Rent is ridiculous right now around here, so we are going to have a roommate. I know her quite well, she gets along well with N, and she has 2 bedrooms and a bathroom sitting empty. It’s in the same town, maybe a mile or two from where we are now. Much more affordable. So, why does it make me so nervous? Maybe it’s the transition of going from being completely free and independent, to having a roommate. I’m not sure. But, at the same time I do look forward to what it will give back to N and to myself. We will both finally have our own space in the world to retreat to, a place to shut the door and spend some quiet time alone. I definitely need that.
Things could be so much worse. I hope that this year, I learn to live for today and be thankful for what I am surrounded by – I want to live in the moment, and be happy with where I am in my life. That’s my only resolution – to try to learn how to live in the moment, and be happy with it. Whatever it may be…
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